Jim's Crucible
by nomdeplumekansas
Summary: Jim is forced to face a demon in himself, and must fight it. Will he accept Bones' help or will the demon control Jim forever? Rated for some language.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I'll admit I am starting this story sort of in an awkward way, but the purpose is more Jim realizing he is sick (this chapter) and getting better (the rest). Just to warn you, there will be a lot of language issues in these first few chapters. This is sort of a journey Jim and I are going to take together. I don't know where it'll end up yet. Hopefully for the best and we can beat this thing. Obviously, I don't own any of the characters. **

Lieutenant Kevin Riley, didn't see Jim very often. He was often stuck down in engineering, but now lately, the Captain had been spending more time down with Lieutenant Commander Scott working on the warp drive. Kevin had more opportunities to catch up, more opportunities to notice the stark changes in his Captain.

After a couple weeks of watching Jim and Scott work, Kevin gathered up the nerve to go to his commander after Jim had left one evening. Scott brushed him off, but Kevin knew he couldn't just let this go. He'd seen something similar with his mom when he'd returned from…being away. It's had led to her death as he was too young to know what to do. This time, he was going to speak up. Since he wasn't being heard in engineering, he knew he'd just have to go straight to the source. Kevin knew it was going to be hard, but hopefully the Captain would see the light and get the help he needed.

Jim sat up straight and shook his head. "Kevin, you're wrong. I don't have a problem. It's not like it's a big deal. I mean, yeah of course it's not good for me, but it's not like I'm hurting anyone else."

"That's where you're wrong," Kevin sighed. "You are hurting other people, even if you don't see it. We're supposed to trust you, the crew looks up to you. I know Chekov and I still do. Well I used to, but" Kevin stalled.

"What is it Kevin, I gave you permission to speak freely." Jim snarled.

"I know Jim, it's just hard to believe I am saying this, but I used to look up to you, I thought you were so strong and smart. I thought nothing could touch you. I looked up to you on Taurus, You were a hero, I wanted to be just like you. Not anymore though. I can hardly stand to look at you and what you've become."Kevin snapped.

"Fuck you!" Jim roared. "Fuck you and fuck Chekov too! I am not here to be your damn idol or anything like that. Why can't I be human? I don't need you trailing along behind me like some damn lap dog or something, and I especially don't need your hero worshiping. Get out of here."

Kevin stood stock still in a state of shock, hard faced.

"I said, get the hell out of my quarters," Jim roughly shoved Kevin towards the hallway. Kevin stumbled back against the door, but managed to catch himself before falling. Jim stood in the doorway glaring at Kevin, daring him to retaliate.

"Screw you, _Captain_," Kevin sneered and stormed out.

After the door closed, Jim felt the rage still coursing through his veins. Needing to release some energy, and not thinking clearly, he threw a punch at the bulkhead next to the door. It felt good so he threw another punch, then another. After a few minutes of attacking his walls, he suddenly thought of something.

Storming over to his desk, Jim took the picture of himself and Kevin from his desk and took it back to the couch. It was taken during orientation week his junior year. Juniors and seniors could volunteer to help a new plebe adjust to academy life and he'd been assigned Kevin by some random chance of irony or something. The picture showed Jim, and Kevin both young, and full of life, not like their first meeting, nothing like now.

Without a second thought, Jim started cutting the picture up into tiny little pieces. After a while, there was a pile of tiny bits of photograph paper at his feet, but his hands couldn't stop shaking. Before Jim realized what he was doing, he'd started cutting and stabbing at the cushion next to his thigh. The silence was roaring in his ears but he could faintly hear Kevin through it all, _'I wanted to be just like you. We trusted you.'_

The scissors fell from Jim's fingers and slid to the floor with a soft thump. "Computer," Jim called out softly.

When it chimed in response, Jim opened his mouth and whispered with as much strength as he could muster, "Please alert Doctor McCoy to the Captain's quarters, and inform First Officer Spock that I am emotionally compromised and am releasing control of command to him until further notice." Jim closed his eyes and wrapped his arms tightly around his frame. His fingers clenching at his sleeves, anything to stop the shaking.

McCoy chimed at Jim's door twice before using his medical over ride to get in. "Jim?"Looking around, he saw the messy state of Jim's quarters. "Jesus Jim," McCoy muttered, then noticed Jim on the couch, rocking himself with a distant look on his face.

Cautiously, McCoy pulled out his tricorder and made his way over to the couch. "What's wrong Jim?"

"Bones, I…" Jim's voice broke.

"What is it Jim?" All McCoy could see on his tricorder was elevated heartbeat and respiration. There was some chemical interference, and stress levels were spiking as well. All of this had McCoy very nervous.

"I need help," was all Jim offered.

"I'm here Jim, I'm here." McCoy didn't know what else to do so he pulled Jim into a tight hug, hoping that would help his friend relax.

A few minutes later McCoy's communicator pinged. "Doctor McCoy, are you currently with the Captain?"

"Yeah Spock," McCoy answered softly, as he looked down at his friend clinging to him like his life depended on it.

"I was just informed that the Captain has removed himself from duty due to being emotionally compromised," Spock explained.

"Jim, what's going on?" McCoy murmured.

"I wanted to confirm this statement with you and to determine the wellbeing of the Captain." Spock announced.

"I just got here Spock, I don't know what's going on, but yeah, Jim's in no shape to be in command." McCoy continued holding Jim as he spoke. "I need to get Jim down to sickbay. He isn't injured, from what I can tell, but he is sick."

"Alright Doctor, report to me as soon as you do know what is wrong with the Captain. Spock out."

McCoy sighed deeply, and looked down at Jim again. "Jim, can you walk to sickbay?"

Jim made no sign of recognition, but McCoy felt him relax a little bit. Carefully, he pulled Jim to his feet, and threw Jim's arm over his shoulders. Slowly, carefully, he led Jim one step at a time, to sickbay. They passed a few people in the hallways but a sharp look from the doctor set the gawkers back to their tasks at hand.

Jim and McCoy walked right past Chapel, into the private office. McCoy helped Jim into a chair, then sat down across from him.

"Jim, what is going on?" McCoy softly demanded.

"I need help," Jim whispered.

"I know, I'm here, "McCoy assured him, but then he stopped whispering. "Jim, either you tell me what that chemical was that my tricorder picked up in your bloodstream or I have the computer tell me. Trust me, I would rather hear it from you than get some bad news from the damn computer." McCoy demanded.

"It's phesphic acid, I've been taking it since Delta IV." Jim's voice shook and his chin was on his chest.

"Delta IV?" McCoy racked his brain, trying to remember the planet.

"The planet that had the flooding, we took them supplies," Jim offered weakly.

"Del…That was two years ago," McCoy exclaimed in shock, whipping out his tricorder, scanning Jim again. "You've been on Phesphic acid for two years? Good God man! Why? Why would you do this? Don't you know what that stuff can do to your body?"

"Not to mention to my career?" Jim snorted.

"Forget your career man! You've probably done serious damage to your brain. Open your mouth," McCoy ordered.

Jim closed his eyes before opening his mouth wide.

"Slight tongue discoloration," McCoy murmured. Without asking, he opened one of Jim's eyes and studied it with a pen light. "Pupil dilation."

"Can you help me get rid of this?" Jim asked, finding his voice again.

McCoy sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair. There were medications that could help drug abusers, the formula was pretty standard. Of course, it being Jim, this wasn't going to be good. "There is a treatment, but bad news."

"I'm allergic?" Jim guessed.

"It's the same make up as a hangover or detox hypo," McCoy explained.

"So I'm screwed?" Jim stood up and moved to towards the door. "I should go write my resignation."

"Wait Jim," McCoy scrubbed his face with his hands. _When did I get so tired_, he thought to himself. "There's another option, an ancient option."

Jim turned back to his friend. "What is it?"

"You're going to have to detox without any help, just do it cold turkey."

"By myself?" Jim asked.

"Well no, I'll help you, every step of the way, Christine'll be there too." McCoy explained. "I can try to come up with some new compound, but you know I've had no luck so far."

"Okay, so a day or two of this natural detox and I'll be fine."

"Maybe, but highly doubtful," McCoy nodded Jim back to the chair.

"What are we looking at here, Bones?" Jim asked, taking his seat.

"I'd say a week to be on the safe side."

"A week," Jim exclaimed. "We're on our way to the Ronara peace talks. I can give you four days maximum."

"A week Jim," McCoy repeated himself. "Spock can handle the peace talks."

"Forget this," Jim muttered, getting up again. "I'll just fix this later."

"Jim," McCoy snapped. "Sit down. This is important, you can't put this off. I can't let you walk out that door and back into command knowing that you're on drugs. You can't put this off any longer."

"Yes, I can."

"Don't make me medically over ride you. I know I can get Spock to back me on this if I have to."

"I can do this on my own," Jim glared. "It's not that big of a deal."

"We don't have to do this in sick bay." McCoy ignored Jim's comment. He was already planning his next three moves, moving throughout sick bay gathering a few supplies.

"I hate you, you know that," Jim sneered.

"I'm sure," McCoy responded absent mindedly, throwing a few hypos in his bag along with a couple padds.

"Forget you," Jim called out, making his way to the door

"Jim, you can walk out that door right now, but there are only so many places you can go," McCoy looked up from his packing, at Jim. "Unless you let me take you back to your quarters, the only place you will end up is right back here, in confinement."

In a fit of defiance Jim strode over to one of the hover gurneys and flipped it over.

"Very mature Jim," McCoy rolled his eyes.

Keeping an eye on his friend to see what he would do, Jim back handed a whole tray of supplies, sending them clattering across the floor.

"What in the…" Chapel demanded walking out of the lab.

McCoy gave her a warning look to stay back. "Alright Jim, that's enough. I've got everything I need. Let's go."

"Fuck you," Jim spat.

McCoy held in the shock of the mood swing from the last thirty minutes. He knew he was in for a long week. He simply grabbed Jim firmly by the elbow and started to guide him back to his quarters.

"Don't touch me," Jim hissed, yanking his arm away from McCoy. "I thought I could trust you, I thought you'd just give me a little hypo or something and send me on my way."

"Fine Jim," McCoy stepped back and let Jim lead the way. He decided to take the time to let Spock know where they were going.

"Of course, you're telling Spock," Jim growled. "You'll probably tell everyone. Then everyone will know. Everyone will look at me the way you're looking at me. You hate my guts, admit it! You've always hated me! Ever since the day I was born, I've been nothing but an inconvenient reminder of everything you lost!"

"Jim, why don't you go change into something more comfortable," McCoy suggested, ignoring his friend's rant as he entered the code to Jim's quarters. "I will get you something to drink."

Jim didn't respond, but he did stalk off to his bedroom. If there had been a door to slam, McCoy was sure Jim would have done that. Instead at the last second, Jim turned and flipped McCoy the bird before moving out of sight.

"You're welcome Jim," McCoy muttered ran a hand through his hair as he wondered how they would all make it through the next few days.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The minute Jim opened his eyes the next morning, the commitment he'd made the day before came rushing back to him.

"I can do this," Jim muttered to himself. "I want to do this. I have to do this."

"Oh good, you're awake." McCoy announced from the doorway, causing Jim to sit straight up in bed.

"Good Lord Bones, are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Jim demanded.

"Not in the cards today Jim, now come on out here and have some breakfast. We need to talk."

Jim huffed a little, but threw a t shirt on and followed McCoy's orders. As he came into his main living area he froze seeing Spock sitting at his table.

"Come on Jim, we don't have all day." McCoy ordered efficiently as he set a plate of eggs down.

"What the hell is going on here?" Jim demanded, yet complying by sliding into his seat.

"We are going to establish a plan to ensure your successful recovery," Spock explained, helping himself to a section of cantaloupe.

"After your little _tantrum_ last night, I did a bit of reading and I think I've got a pretty solid plan on all of this, but we do still want you to maintain some control over everything." McCoy took some of the eggs and passed Jim the plate.

"Well for starters I'd like to have some heads up when I will be hosting a breakfast party," Jim muttered.

"Fair enough Jim," Spock conceded.

"So Bones told you everything?" Jim asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I told him the bare details," McCoy explained. "I want you to tell both of us everything. But before you start, I want to assure you that this is only going to be between the three of us. Against my better judgment, I am not going to inform command, on one condition."

"Which is?" Jim shifted nervously.

"You will comply with this treatment and nothing like this will ever _ever_ happen again. Am I making myself perfectly clear?" McCoy explained in a hard voice.

"Crystal." Jim murmered.

"Good," McCoy started buttering a piece of toast. "Now, explain how this all came to be."

Jim sighed and scratched at his arm and thought back to Delta IV. "The flooding on Delta IV was out of control. The whole continent was a mess. It stank of mildew, disease and death. The last time I smelled anything like that was when I was thirteen, on Taurus. Bones, you know all that. Spock, talk to Bones. It was horrible. I just wasn't expecting that at all. There were some other relief groups there. It was an Andorian who talked to me."

Jim stopped to sip on his coffee and reflect for a minute. The other two men were silent.

"He gave me some, and it worked. I felt more relaxed than ever. I felt strong and refreshed. I felt really good. Unfortunately the feeling didn't last. I wanted it back so I started taking the acid once, twice sometimes even three times a day."

"How much at a time?" McCoy asked.

"Sometimes as little as three or four ounces at a time to sometimes up to one hundred ounces. I didn't do it every day, but I don't think I ever made it more than two days without at least a little." Jim carefully set his coffee mug down.

"Eat a little something Jim," Spock suggested. Jim picked up a slice of toast and nibbled at it.

"Where were you getting it after we left Delta IV?" McCoy asked.

"I could replicate it pretty easy," Jim explained. "Sometimes I got it where we would stop." McCoy nodded in understanding.

"So now what?" Jim wondered.

"Over the next week, you will feel headaches, stomachaches, nausea, shakiness, diziness, chills, fever, paranoia, anxiety and a whole bunch of other fun things. Chapel and I will be there to help you every step of the way, but we will still expect you to make every effort to maintain routine. After breakfast, you will hand over every ounce of phesphic acid on this ship to me," McCoy started outlining. "Then you will have Scotty remove anhydride from the chemical compounds that can be created via replicator."

"Anhydride Doctor?" Spock questioned.

"It is one of the key chemical components of phesphic acid. The other components are needed for other types of food and beverage consumption and are non threatening." McCoy explained.

"You will open up your credit account for monitoring by either Spock or myself,"

"What the hell for?" Jim exclaimed. "No! Absolutely not!"

"You will comply with this treatment plan or I will tell Starfleet Command and you will loose _Enterprise_." McCoy stated flatly.

"Why?" Jim demanded.

"It is merely to make sure that you are not buying phesphic acid when it is no longer able to be replicated," Spock explained. "Neither he nor I will look at any matter regarding your account other than to monitor that you can be trusted to not attempt to buy the drug."

"This is bullshit," Jim muttered darkly, but crossed his arms and refused to look McCoy or Spock in the eye.

"You will then go to sickbay and sterilize equipment for the remainder of the morning under Chapel." McCoy saw the argument forming on Jim's lips and cut him off. "Need I remind you of the mess you created in my sickbay yesterday? That will not be excused. Then you will have thirty minutes for lunch and in the afternoon, there is some laundry to be done in sickbay and we will return to your quarters and you can clean up this mess."

"Spock, you can't let him get away with this." Jim implored.

"I have heard about the mess you created last evening requiring the alpha shift nurses to stay late to help clean up sickbay. I believe this work you will do today will be a satisfactory way to make it up to the nurses, as humans put it."

"This is ridiculous," Jim muttered

"After dinner, you will be free to use the recreational facilities or remain here in your quarters, depending on how things go today." Spock advised Jim.

"Great," Jim muttered again.

"Pout all you want, but we have a busy day. Spock needs to get to the bridge, and Christine is expecting you so if you are done eating, let's get down to engineering and then on with the rest of your day. As for the rest of this week, we will play it by ear. I will only expect that you will eat three meals per day, get adequate rest and we will have sessions every day. Violence, threats, and destruction will not be tolerated and will result in spending the rest of your recovery time in sickbay and/or my reporting you to Spock and letting him decided whether or not to report this to Command."

"Isn't that a threat Doctor McCoy?" Jim asked icily.

"It's not a threat, it's a fact. Like it or not, we're here to help you, we're going to get you through this and believe us or not, but we care about you. Now, go get cleaned up and turn over all phesphic acid on this ship."

Jim looked like he was about to put up a fight, but then changed his mind and hurried back to his bedroom. After he was gone, McCoy let out a deep breath and roughly rubbed his eyes.

"Are you sure the tone is necessary Doctor?" Spock asked softly.

"Yes, I've read and was taught that we have to be firm and show tough love, at least at first." McCoy sighed again.

"You know that I support you one hundred percent in all of this," Spock started to gather dishes, but McCoy stopped him.

"Leave the dishes," McCoy reminded Spock. "Thanks for your support. This is going to be hard, but knowing you're backing me, will make this a bit easier."

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Not really, I was monitoring Jim all night."

"You will need to get your sleep as well Doctor. It will be imperative that you are well rested in order to help Jim."

"I know that you crazy Vulcan," McCoy chuckled. "You don't have to tell me how to do my job. Christine is going to supervise Jim this morning so I can get a couple more hours of sleep. Tomorrow and the next two days will probably be the roughest."

"Well, as an ancient human organization used to say, we'll just have to take things one day at a time."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Jim's first thought when he opened his eyes the next morning was desire. A deep strong desire for phesphic acid like none he'd ever felt before. He took a second to consider if he should get some from his last hiding spot in his room.

"No," he whispered to himself. "I'm gonna be strong. I don't need it."

"Jim, you up?" McCoy hollered from the front room.

Groaning, Jim threw an arm over his eyes. He was already regretting telling his best friend and he hadn't even gotten out of bed yet. This had to be a new record.

"Jim," McCoy yelled again. "Come on, just because you are on medical leave doesn't mean you can sleep all day. Breakfast is ready."

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Jim rolled out of bed. "Any surprise breakfast guests today?"

"Nope," McCoy grinned as he set out two bowls of oatmeal. "Just you and me."

"Goody," Jim slumped into his chair picked up his spoon and took one look at the bowl before him. "I'm not hungry."

"Nauseous?" McCoy asked, pulling out his tricorder.

"No," Jim swatted McCoy's hands away. "Not. Hungry."

"Fine, then you'll drink your breakfast." McCoy replied with a satisfied smirk. "He went back to the replicator and ordered a breakfast smoothie.

With a sigh, Jim gave in and accepted the glass from McCoy. "So what torturous things do you have planned for me today?"

"I have some paperwork to catch up on, and Spock informed me that Rand would be bringing by a few reports for you to go over," McCoy started eating once he was sure Jim would drink the smoothie. "Lunch with Christine, then."

"Then you better let me go to the recreation deck before I punch you." Jim growled.

"Fine," McCoy smiled. "Tonight, I was thinking we could have dinner with Spock and Uhura in the mess hall?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" Jim snapped.

"Asking of course."

"Does she know?"

"Why you're on leave?" McCoy clarified.

"No, the truth about Santa Claus," Jim rolled his eyes.

"No," McCoy answered gruffly. "Jim look, I know this is really hard on you, but you've got to understand that I am just trying to help you."

"I know Bones, I'm really sorry I've been such an ass. I don't deserve you."

"Just you remember that," McCoy laughed. "Now go get cleaned up. I'll do the dishes."

Jim set his glass down, and before he could leave, Bones stopped him. "Jim, I want to start having sessions with you this afternoon. After your work out."

Jim paused for a moment, then gave a slight nod and continued towards his bathroom.

It was his second day to have lunch with Christine, and while Jim knew what McCoy was doing here, he was enjoying getting to know the ship's head nurse.

"So you don't mind being on Jim-sitting service?" Jim chuckled as he took a bite of his sandwich.

"Not at all Captain," Christine smiled.

"I'm not the captain right now, call me Jim." Jim winked.

"Alright, Jim." Christine smiled. Two and a half years ago when _Enterprise_ was just starting it's five year mission, Jim had expressed a little interest in Christine, but Bones had put a quick stop to that and now the two were just good friends.

"So, I don't remember seeing you around the Academy much," Jim mentioned. "Where were you hiding?"

Christine started to reply when she noticed Kevin Riley approaching the table. "Ensign."

"Hello," He responded coolly.

"Hey Kevin," Jim turned to look up at the young man.

"I hear you're on medical leave," Kevin whispered harshly.

"Yeah, I wanted to thank you for helping me see that you were right." Jim smiled slightly.

"Oh save it," Kevin snapped.

"Ensign," Chapel said in a warning tone.

"You've always had a martyr complex." Kevin continued. "You've always acted so strong, but now I know you're not. You're weak, and you're going to fail."

Jim hung his head, not wanting Kevin or Christine to see the sharp tears pricking at his eyes.

"Ensign, that is quite enough." Christine was standing now, her eyes flashing daggers. "I am going to have to ask you to leave. While the Captain is on leave, it is still in his prerogative as to whether to put you on report for insubordination or not."

Kevin didn't say anything more, but turned on his heel and strode away.

"Jim, are you okay?" Christine asked softly, resting a hand on Jim's arm.

He roughly wiped his arm across his eyes and sniffed before looking up. "Yeah," he managed to croak out. "I don't think I'm very hungry any more though."

Christine pursed her lips and gave a short nod. "Okay." They picked up their trays and carried the leftovers from lunch to the recycle container and made their way out of the mess hall. When they reached sickbay Christine paused Jim for a minute. "You've made it a day and a half, and I just want to let you know, I am so proud of you."

"Thanks Christine," Jim smiled softly. "That means a lot to me."

"At the risk of being unprofessional," Christine trailed off before quickly enveloping Jim in a tight hug. After a split second of shock, Jim gladly returned the hug. "You don't have to see the whole staircase at once, just the first step, one step at a time," she whispered, then let go.

"That was a quick lunch," McCoy commented when he saw Christine and Jim walk in.

"Yeah, I had check those lab results on Lieutenant Jones," Christine fibbed, knowing McCoy would throw a fit if he knew Jim didn't eat a full lunch. She caught Jim's grateful smile as she hurried back to the lab.

"Well, I am glad to have a minute to talk to you before you go to the gym," McCoy nodded Jim back to his office.

"Sulu is going to meet me for some martial combat practice," Jim explained.

"Sounds nice," McCoy replied. As soon as the door closed he turned to glare at Jim. "Spock found this in your ready room this morning," McCoy glared, holding up a small bag. Jim immediately recognized it as his last little secret stash.

"I haven't touched it in two days, I promise," Jim plead. McCoy raised an eyebrow at him. "I promise, damn it," Jim moaned and sank into a chair. "Fuck it, you won't believe me. What does it matter? I feel like my brain is being shoved through a colander, then Kevin, this is just the icing on the cake."

McCoy stood back and observed Jim's break down with a frown. When Jim talked himself out, McCoy knelt down next to his friend. "Jim, I believe you."

"What?" Jim raised his head.

"Christine or I have been with you the whole time, you haven't been anywhere near the bridge or your ready room and I've checked you periodically," McCoy explained. "I believe you. I do need to know though, is there any more acid on this ship?"

"No," Jim shook his head slightly, then brought a hand up to massage his temple.

"Bad headache?"

"Yeah," was all Jim could say.

"Come with me," Bones led Jim back out to the main area of sickbay and went to a cabinet. After a minute he turned back to Jim and very gently pressed a hypo to his neck. "That should help with the pain."

"Thanks Bones," Jim smiled through watery eyes. "That didn't even hurt."

"Infant," McCoy shook his head and deposited the used cartridge. "Want to tell me about Kevin?"

"Not really," Jim muttered. "He's upset with me, has every right to be. He just needed to blow off some steam."

McCoy eyed Jim warily, but accepted his answer. He knew he could question Christine about it later. "I've got some stuff to finish up around here. I wasn't expecting you back so soon. You want to go to Sulu's class, and I'll catch up with you at 14:00?"

"You mean you'll let me do something by myself?" Jim teased gently.

"I'd like to think there isn't that much trouble you could get into in the next three hours." McCoy tried to appear like his former gruff self.

"I am sure I could find something," Jim smiled.

"Get out of my sickbay Jim," McCoy ordered. "14:00, your quarters don't be late. Oh and just remember, just because you're having a bad day doesn't mean you are having a bad life."

Jim smiled and nodded as he felt the tears rising again. He didn't know how he was so lucky to have such great friends in his life, but he knew he would always treasure them and the encouragement they gave him.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The next morning, Jim woke up to silence and smiled to himself. It was early, but oddly enough, he felt good. He got up and went about his morning routine, and still no peep from Bones. He peeked out to his living area and smiled a little when he saw his friend asleep on the couch.

Without delay, Jim went to the replicator and ordered two plates of waffles with a peach compote, a black coffee for himself and a hazelnut latte for McCoy.

"Hey Bones," Jim gently shook the doctor.

"The dermal regenerator is in the bag on my desk, lemme sleep," McCoy mumbled.

"No injuries this time Bones, just a nice hot latte," Jim grinned.

"Wha?" McCoy asked, finally coming out of sleep. He sat up and looked around. "Jim?"

"Yeah," Jim handed McCoy his drink and turned back to the table.

"What time is it?" McCoy got up carefully and made his way to the table.

"It's 08:15 sleepy head," Jim sat down to one of the plates and started eating.

McCoy set the cup down and grabbed his tricorder. Jim laughed and shook his head at his friend who could find nothing wrong except that Jim was actually up first and feeding him one of his favorite breakfasts.

"I feel a little shaky and feverish, but that's all," Jim explained. "You know our first talk seemed to really help a lot."

"Right," McCoy nodded, cautiously taking a seat. He didn't want to mention that he'd been up half the night talking to Spock about Taurus IV and what Christine told him about Kevin.

"Aren't I supposed to be the paranoid one?" Jim laughed. "At ease Bones, eat your breakfast."

Breakfast was nearly over when Jim's door chimed announcing a visitor. McCoy shot Jim a look, Jim shook his head that he wasn't expecting anyone.

"Come." Jim called out.

The door swished open revealing Spock and Lieutenant Riley.

"Good morning Captain, I hope we are not disturbing your breakfast." Spock spoke civilly, but it was clear to Jim that he was not in his Vulcan version of a good mood.

"Not at all Commander, Lieutenant Riley," Jim nodded. "We were just finishing breakfast. Would either of you care for tea? Coffee?"

"No, thank you. This is not a social call." Spock replied.

"I wanted to apologize for what I said yesterday Captain," Kevin finally spoke.

"Lieutenant," Jim interrupted anxiously. "Apologies are not necessary."

"Yes, they are," Kevin argued. "I was completely out of line and I am ready to accept whatever consequences you think best."

"I don't think," Jim started.

"Jim," McCoy interrupted, "I can't speak for Commander Spock, and while you might want to just let bygones be bygones, I will not stand by and let this go."

Jim didn't say anything but looked from McCoy to Kevin and back again. He crossed his arms and chewed his lip thoughtfully.

"Perhaps Captain," Spock began. "You would like some time to think it over?"

"No," Jim held out a hand, halting Spock and Kevin from leaving. "No, Bones, you're right, this needs to be dealt with."

Kevin turned to face Jim and stood ramrod straight at attention.

"At ease Lieutenant," Jim smiled thinly. After Kevin relaxed, Jim continued. "Over the past few days I have said and done some things that I really regret."

"Me too Captain," Kevin tried to interrupt, but Jim stopped him.

"No Kevin. You told me only what I sorely needed to hear. You made me see the truth of who I had become and the harm I was doing. I hope that you don't regret what you've said. Albeit, you may have gone overboard, but my ego can handle the hit." Jim turned away and started pacing a bit.

"Even still, I am sorry to have been so cruel," Kevin commented.

"Under normal circumstances, I would put you on report and be done with the situation, but these are not normal circumstances. How can I expect my superiors to not report me, and then I not do the same for you?"

"Jim," McCoy tried to intervene again, but realized his protest would fall on deaf ears.

"Kevin, I'll let this one go one time and neither you or I will ever speak of it again to each other or to anyone else," Jim turned to face Kevin again. "I know right now, you don't like me, heck, you probably hate me. I know I have broken your trust." Jim paused for a moment and licked his lips.

"What I need to know from you is that regardless of everything I am still your Captain and you will give me the respect that my position demands, and allow me to try to earn back your trust."

"Of course Captain," Kevin nodded, swallowing thickly.

"We've got a difficult bridge to rebuild, but I hope it isn't burned completely," Jim stuck out his hand.

"Not completely sir," Kevin nodded and took Jim's hand and shook on it.

"I need to report to the Bridge and, Ensign, I believe you need to report to Engineering?" Spock finally spoke up.

"Yes sir," Kevin nodded.

The two left to report to their individual stations and Jim let out a hefty sigh.

"What you lack in common sense, you sure make up for in diplomacy," McCoy scoffed and gathered the dishes.

"I did the right thing Bones, even if you don't agree." Jim declared blinking a few times.

McCoy turned around to see Jim shake his head slightly. "You okay Jim?"

"Yeah, I'm fine but my quarters need to stop moving." Jim took one faltering step towards the table and stumbled forward, knocking over a chair in the process.

"Jim," McCoy exclaimed, dropping the dishes and running to the Captain's side.

"I'm…I'm okay, just a little dizzy." Jim murmured.

"You might have a concussion," McCoy muttered, noticing the welt forming on Jim's forehead, wishing his tricorder was within reach.

"What else is new," Jim muttered.

"Lets get you over to the couch," McCoy suggested, helping Jim find his way to his feet. They were almost up when Jim's breakfast suddenly came back up all over the front of his shirt, McCoy's arm and the floor. Groaning, Jim fell back to the floor.

"It's okay Jim, you're okay." McCoy soothed, allowing Jim to lay back down.

"I'm so…sorry," Jim cried softly. "I am weak. I am so weak."

"No Jim, you're strong, you're gonna be fine. I'm right here." McCoy positioned Jim into a safe position. "Just sit here for a second."

McCoy raced to get a glass of water, a towel and his tricorder. After wiping Jim's face and offering him a drink, he wiped his own arm off.

"Bones, I'm sorry I threw up on you." Jim whimpered.

"Relax Jim," Bones smiled. "I had a couple years experience with Joanna, then you and Starfleet came into my life. I've been thrown up on before. I'll live." He ran the tricorder over Jim a couple times. "Slight concussion, but nothing serious. The dizziness and nausea are to be expected. Let's get you to the couch, unless you feel sick again?"

"No, I think I'll be okay." Jim struggled to get back to his feet, but McCoy slid a comforting arm around him and eased Jim to the couch.

It wasn't two seconds after Jim had sat down when the familiar feeling returned to his stomach. "Oh Bones," Jim gave what warning he could before being sick again. With watery eyes, he looked up at his friend. "Allergies be damned, give me something, anything." he begged.

"No Jim, we'll go to the bathroom, but I'm sorry to say you're just going to have to ride this out."

"You're a sadistic bastard," Jim muttered as McCoy gently led him towards the bathroom.

"Yeah, yeah," McCoy replied. "Just because you're in pain, doesn't mean you need to be a pain."

Jim looked up at McCoy with hurt in his eyes. He pushed McCoy away from him and grabbed the door frame to steady himself. "If that's how you really feel then get out."

"I'm not leaving you Jim," McCoy sighed.

"I'm a pain, you said so yourself," Jim spat and maneuvered his way to the toilet. "Just get the fuck out of here."

McCoy backed out of the bathroom giving Jim a bit of privacy and instantly regretting his words. He stood on the other side of the door listening. After a couple bouts of Jim dry heaving, McCoy knocked on the door. "Jim?"

He heard Jim turn the faucet on and then spit a few times. "Jim," he repeated.

"What're you still doing here?" Jim asked when he finally opened the door.

"I need to talk to you," McCoy took Jim by the arm when he saw his friend still stumbling. As he guided Jim back to bed, he continued. "When I said…what I said earlier. I didn't mean it, and it was a poor choice of words."

"No it isn't, I know I'm a pain," Jim tried to fight.

"Okay, but you're my pain, and you wouldn't be Jim without being a bit of a pain. You're my best friend and Jesus Jim, I know what you're going through is tough, but I'm just trying to keep up with your mood swings. I know you can't help it." McCoy continued as he handed Jim a fresh pair of pants and a t-shirt. "I was up late last night getting some stuff done."

"Why don't you go back to your own quarters and get some sleep then while I rest," Jim suggested. Noticing McCoy's doubtful expression he added, "trust me Bones, I feel like shit, I'm not going to be running around the ship."

As good as sleep sounded to him and as much as he could see that Jim wouldn't be getting himself into trouble, McCoy still had his doubts. Getting some real sleep was just too tempting however. Suddenly an idea came to him. "Okay Jim, you get some sleep and I will see you later this afternoon and we'll talk some more."

After making sure Jim was comfortable and that the concussion wasn't any threat, McCoy slipped out of the room and to the communicator. "McCoy to Lieutenant Commander Scott?"

"Scott here Doc," Scotty answered quickly. "What can I do for ye?"

"Is Keenser busy by chance?" McCoy asked softly, hoping Jim wouldn't overhear.

"The little Bugger is just helping me with some maintenance work, do ye need him in Sickbay?"

"Jim's quarters actually," McCoy requested. "Just for a few hours to make sure Jim stays in bed. I need a little shut eye, but I am not comfortable leaving Jim alone. I know he and Keenser have some sort of weird little friendship and if he would just alert me if Jim gets sick again or decides to try to go looking for trouble."

"Oh Keenser would do a good job at tha'," Scotty chuckled.

"I don't mean that he has to just sit in Jim's room and watch him," McCoy added. "That would just be scary. No, he can read or I don't know, build something if he wants, just keep an eye and ear out for Jim."

"No problem Doc," Scotty replied. "He is on his way up with a puzzle he's been working on for weeks."

"Thank you Scotty, McCoy out."

At 1215, Christine was worried. Normally Jim was fairly prompt, but she knew McCoy was running a tight ship and if he said lunch was at 1200, lunch was at 1200. She wasn't expecting Keenser to be on the other side of Jim's door when she chimed.

"Keenser, where is Doctor McCoy?"

"Doctor sleeping, Keenser watch Captain," Keenser said with a bit of pride.

Christine hurried past Keenser. "Jim?" She called out.

"Captain is sleep 3.62 hour," Keenser warned hurrying behind her.

Christine went to Jim's room and sighed with relief to see Jim in bed, snoring softly.

"Did good?" Keenser looked up at Christine for approval.

"Yes, thank you Keenser," Christine smiled and led him back out to the living area. "Why don't you go on back to Engineering, and I will watch Jim for a while."

"Keenser needs sandwich first."

"Okay, whatever," Christine waved a distracted hand at Keenser as he let himself out. She went back into Jim's room and ran a tricorder scan over him. An elevated temperature was all she found, but the stain in the living area told her, Jim had been sick earlier. "Jim," she shook him gently.

"Mhmm?" Jim moaned softly.

"Can you wake up for me please," Christine dimmed the lights in the room. She couldn't understand why McCoy would have left them on at 100%.

"I'm awake," Jim rolled on to his back and tried to sit up.

"Easy now," Christine instructed, helping him prop a pillow up.

"This is nice," Jim tried to tease through his half awake dizzy state. "I could use this kind of wake-up call every day."

"Nice try Captain," Christine laughed softly. "I just want to try to have you eat a little something, then you can go back to sleep."

"Please no food," Jim moaned and clutched his stomach.

"How about just a little soup broth," she suggested.

"Then how about I just throw up a little." Jim pouted.

"Len wants you to be eating three meals a day."

"I'm not going to win am I?" Jim guessed.

"Nope," Christine smiled warmly and went to get the soup. As they sat eating, Jim felt the pain in his stomach still as strong as ever, but he fought against it.

"You know Chris," this morning was awful, but I realized something while you were out getting the soup," Jim commented when there was a lull in the conversation.

"What's that Jim?"

"As long as I keep trying, I am not failing."

"That's right Jim, just keep trying." Christine took the two empty bowls and set them aside. She helped Jim back down so that he could go back to sleep. "You just rest, and Doctor McCoy will be back up here in a little bit."

Jim nodded slightly and closed his eyes. The death grip on his pillow was the only outward sign she could see of Jim's internal pain. Though she didn't know the full story, she knew Jim had the strength to get through whatever his body was fighting against.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Jim had spent the rest of his third day and most of his fourth day of recovery in bed. The evening of the fourth day his was feeling well enough to make it to the mess hall for dinner with Bones' and Spock's help.

The talk therapy sessions hadn't let up due to Jim's time in bed, and McCoy had come to learn many things about his friend, good and bad. He knew a little about the relationship Jim had with his mother, but to learn that she too had faced some addictive tendencies was an eye opener to what Jim was going through.

The fifth morning started out with Jim and McCoy eating a light breakfast. Jim wasn't his usual talkative self, but he knew there was no way he could complain to McCoy. Spock, Scotty and Uhura were on their way to the surface of Ronara for the peace talks. Last night, Jim had tried to persuade McCoy to let him go, but the doctor held fast to his decision. He'd even gone so far as to have Spock back him up. Jim knew McCoy wouldn't put up with his pouting for long, but he was going to try to get away with it for as long as he could.

"Jim," McCoy sighed deeply. "Scotty and Spock both know you're itching to do something since you can't help with Ronara, so Scotty thought you might like to take a look at the updates to the plasma conduits and maybe get them started today, if you're interested."

"Sure," Jim perked up a bit. Spending time in engineering would let him feel at least a little bit useful.

They quickly finished their breakfasts and Jim hurried down to engineering while McCoy went back to sickbay.

After a bit of searching through Scotty's messy desk, Jim found the padd with Scotty's notes. He spent a good hour reading through it, and when he felt like he had a good understanding of what Scotty wanted to do, he went to do some inspection of the warp core and the supplies. Though Scotty's plans would mean burning through a bit more dilithium at first, the warp core would adapt and would eventually require less in the long run. Jim gathered the tools he would need and eagerly got to work.

He'd been working for a while when Jim heard a voice outside the Jefferies tube he was currently working in.

"Do you need any help sir?"

Jim poked his head out to see who had noticed him. "Ensign Riley," Jim smiled. "I'd be happy to have an extra set of hands." He shifted in the tube and Kevin joined him. After watching for a second, Kevin saw what Jim was trying to accomplish and starting working alongside him.

"Five days now, huh?" Kevin asked after a long spell of silence.

"Yup," Jim grunted as he tightened a final bolt.

"I'm really proud of you sir," Kevin stopped what he was doing to look over at his captain. "I am sure that it hasn't been easy."

Jim didn't say anything for a minute. He thought over the past few days. He'd had his ups and downs, but it seemed like phesphic was an all-consuming thought for him anymore. "Thanks."

"My lunch shift is in ten minutes," Kevin continued a bit nervously. "I was wondering if you would like to join me, that is if you don't already have plans."

"I'd enjoy having lunch with you," Jim reattached the wall paneling while Kevin gathered the tools and moved out of the tube. "I know Christine is tired of having lunch with me, and is anxious to catch up on the ship's gossip with my yeoman."

"Great, I'll get these put away and meet you back here then," Kevin gave Jim a small smile and hurried away.

Jim and Kevin were enjoying a leisurely lunch when the entire mess hall shook from impact and the red alert lights began to flash.

"What the hell," Jim jumped up and raced for the communication panel on the wall. "Kirk to the bridge, what's going on?"

"Captain, we've just been hit, we're attempting to determine who it was," Sulu answered briskly.

Jim's face went dark. Nobody attacked his ship and got away with it. Quickly, he ran to the turbo lift and up to the bridge.

"Captain?" Sulu asked in surprise when he saw Jim step out of the lift. One look from Jim, and Sulu jumped out of the captain's seat and began to fill the captain in. "It looks to be a Ferengi ship off the port bow."

"Hail them," Jim ordered.

"Sir, no offence, but are you supposed to be here," the young communications officer asked in a timid voice.

"Hail them," Jim repeated firmly.

After getting a slight nod from Sulu, the officer complied.

"This is Captain Kirk of the _USS Enterprise_, disengage your weapons now or we will be forced to return fire."

The bridge crew waited with anticipation for some response, but were greeted with nothing but silence. Then a second shot sent a shower of sparks from the science station.

"Direct hit," Chekov announced. "Shields holding at 85% sir, damages on decks thirteen and fourteen."

"Aim weapons at the Ferengi ship," Jim ordered as he took his seat.

"Sir, wait," Sulu exclaimed. Jim turned to face his helmsman. "That shot wasn't fired by the Ferengi ship."

"Well, then who fired it?" Jim demanded.

"It's like it came out of thin air sir," Sulu replied franticly. "I am scanning the area and I can't find any other ships."

Suddenly a large ship seemed to just materialize in front of the _Enterprise_. "Klingons," Sulu exclaimed. "How did they get cloaking technology?"

"Fire one round on that ship ensign," Jim ordered.

Chekov input the order as the communicator on Jim's chair came to life.

"Jim, what the hell are you doing up there?" McCoy barked.

"Saving our asses Bones," Jim answered, not taking his eyes off the view screen.

"We hit them sir, but did not penetrate their shields," Chekov explained. "They're charging weapons."

"Evasive maneuver Alpha 136," Jim ordered.

"Jim, Sulu has the conn, get off the bridge," McCoy ordered.

"Not now Bones," Jim snapped the communicator closed. He was rocketed forward as the Klingon's hit made contact.

"They got the warp coil sir," Chekov announced, just the tip, but artificial gravity generator was hit."

Just as Chekov spoke, Jim felt a sudden lightness overtake him.

"Bridge to engineering," Jim opened his communicator once more.

"Engineering here sir," A breathless lieutenant responded. "We're working at getting the gravity back on line, but we're also trying to fix a crack in the warp core,"

"Alright, keep me posted," Jim ordered. "Chekov, return fire. Aim for their weapon system. There should be a small break in their shielding when they open fire."

Chekov targeted and fired. The entire bridge crew watched the small explosion on the Klingon ship.

"Their weapon system is offline sir," Chekov announced happily. "They are moving out of Ronara's orbit."

"I hate Klingons," Jim growled, watching them leave. "Hail them before they get too far away."

"This is Captain Kirk of the _USS Enterprise_, why have you fired on us?"

"Captain Kirk," An youthful angry Klingon appeared on the view screen. "Your interference on Ronara will not be tolerated. More Klingon birds of prey will be here shortly."

"This is Federation space, few Klingons would dare to pass through here, why are you here," Jim demanded.

"Not that it matters to you," The Klingon answered scornfully, "but your interference here impacts the established Ferengi trade route."

"What do you care about the Ferengi?"

"That is not important," The Klingon snapped.

Jim gave the communication officer a slight signal to cut the transmission. "He's bluffing about the other Klingon ships coming," Jim announced. "He's just trying to flee with his head up. His weapons are down, he won't be a threat to anyone else, let him go."

"Captain," the Communications officer spoke up, "I've just received word that the crack in the warp core has been sealed, but engineering is contaminated. They've evacuated and are starting cleanup. Repair crews are attending other areas as needed. Injury reports are coming in, most occurred in engineering."

"Bridge to auxiliary engineering,"

"Auxiliary engineering here sir,"

"Excellent work on sealing the crack. Do you need assistance in repairs?"

"No sir, we're about to reopen engineering. It won't be pretty, but we should be able to handle it."

"Very well lieutenant, Bridge out." Jim closed the communicator. "I better get down to sickbay," Jim stood up sheepishly when he noticed the rest of the bridge watching him warily. "Sulu, you…"

"Yes sir," Sulu stepped up quickly, knowing Jim hated to have to leave.

With a sharp nod, Jim hurried off the bridge.

When he arrived in sickbay, McCoy barely give him a second look. "I'll deal with you later Jim," McCoy snapped at his friend as he hurried into the privet exam room.

Jim wandered around checking on a couple engineers who were being treated for minor injuries.

"I'm fine sir," a young ensign smiled bravely as Christine wrapped a piece of gauze around her hand. "It's the ensign I am more worried about."

"ensign," Jim asked.

"Yeah, Riley got hit with a bit of the plasma in the attack." Jim turned to the exam room Bones had just disappeared into. "He mentioned wanting to protect the dilithium from over exposure so he just threw his shoulder against the crack until we could get the seal in place."

"Thanks ensign," Jim said with a frown and stormed into the exam room.

"Jim, what the hell," Bones snapped. "Can't you see I am with a patient?"

Kevin looked up at Jim sheepishly, seeing the hard look in his captain's eyes. "I guess I've done something stupid this week too."

Bones returned to his work of trying to mend the gaping wound on Kevin's shoulder.

"Kevin. Why." Jim was clearly at a loss for words.

"I just couldn't let the dilithium get contaminated when we had just finished the upgrade."

"Damn it Kevin, I don't care about the dilithium, you could've been killed," Jim stammered.

"I'm sorry sir," Kevin looked down.

"Engineering protocol states." Jim started.

"I know the protocol sir," Kevin interrupted. "I guess I just wasn't thinking straight."

"Can you move your fingers?" McCoy asked, setting the regenerator aside.

With a look of pure concentration Jim and McCoy saw Kevin's fingers slightly move.

"I don't like that," McCoy shook his head. Carefully McCoy tapped on Kevin's bicep and elbow. "Can you feel that?"

"Yes sir," Kevin nodded, fearfully.

"That?" McCoy asked again tapping on Kevin's forearm.

"No." Kevin whispered.

"That?" Now McCoy was at Kevin's wrist.

Kevin didn't answer for a second. "Can you feel that Ensign?" McCoy asked again.

"No," Kevin whispered again.

McCoy's face hardened as his fingers moved to Kevin's palm and then to his individual fingers. "Anything here?"

"No," Kevin muttered, closing his eyes.

"Jim, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the room please," McCoy ordered as he turned to jot things on the padd sitting next to him.

Jim simply nodded and stepped back. The shock of the situation was overwhelming him. Once he was back in the main area of sickbay Jim made his way to McCoy's office. About an hour later, McCoy joined him.

"What in the world were you doing on the bridge?" McCoy asked as soon as he walked in.

"My ship was under attack Bones, I couldn't sit by idly while that happened."

"The ship was in good hands Jim, you have to trust your crew."

"I do, I just…" Jim trailed off. "How's Kevin?"

McCoy wearily scrubbed his face. "He had a pretty serious third degree burn. I did one round with the dermal regenerator, but he'll need at least one more round to finish clearing it up, maybe two. He has some movement as you saw, but no feeling whatsoever from about mid forearm down."

"Will it get better?" Jim demanded.

"No way to tell yet," McCoy sighed. "I'll see how it looks in a couple days when he comes back in, and we can do some physical therapy, but I can't really tell much more yet."

"Damnit," Jim cursed, kicking the leg of McCoy's desk. He jumped up and started pacing. "This is all my fault. I knew he was concerned when I mentioned that we were going to need all the dilithium we had before we got to Starbase 2." Jim exclaimed.

"Calm down Jim," McCoy put a hand of Jim's shoulder to stop the pacing.

"I need…I don't need it, I don't need it," Jim muttered to himself the argument running through his head.

"That right Jim," McCoy kept a hand on Jim shoulder for comfort. "You don't need it."

"I shouldn't have worried him, I should have moved us out of the way of fire faster," Jim cried. "Kevin would be fine if I could've hit that Klingon ship the first time."

"What happened to Kevin wasn't your fault Jim," McCoy declared.

"Yes it is," Jim wailed, tears coming to his eyes. "I swore I would always protect him, that he could trust me, and I just let him down again."

"No Jim," McCoy enveloped Jim in tight hug, trying to contain his hysterics.

"I've already failed him, I should just give up, give me the Phesphic," Jim ordered.

"No, Jim," McCoy said a bit more forcefully, not releasing his friend.

"I need it," Jim exclaimed. "I need it, give it to me."

"Shhh," McCoy tuned Jim's cries out as he tried to sooth his friend. He could feel Jim shaking and gasping through his sobbing in his arms. "Just breath Jim. In and out, in and out."

"Let me go," Jim shrieked. "Let me go."

McCoy didn't loosen his grip. He knew Christine was just outside the door and would get him a sedative for Jim in a heartbeat, but he also knew that Jim wouldn't want anyone to see him like this so McCoy just continued to hold Jim until he felt his friend struggling against him less and less. The office was quieter now and McCoy led Jim to his couch and sat down with him, and finally spoke again. "You saved us all from what could have been a lot worse, Jim. You didn't fail today. As long as you're trying, you are not failing."

"I just want Kevin to be okay," Jim sniffed.

"Kevin will be okay, things may be harder for him now, I'm not sure yet, but he'll survive."

"For a while up there I thought to myself, hey I am feeling pretty good, maybe I am getting back to one hundred percent, but then…" Jim leaned back into the cushions.

"Jim, everyday is not going to be one hundred percent," McCoy sighed as he went to his desk and pulled out a bottle of bourbon and two glasses. "But let me tell you this, every day is one hundred percent better with you off that drug." He handed one of the glasses to Jim.

Jim thought about that for a second, then tipped his glass to McCoy and swallowed the liquor. "Thanks Bones, for everything."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

A few days later, Jim was going about his morning routine and was surprised to notice Bones' absence. At first he thought that there had maybe been an medical emergency during the night, but after a quick call to Christine, he learned that Bones hadn't been in Sickbay since 1700 the night before, then the compute confirmed McCoy was in his quarters.

Jim wasn't quite sure what to make of the situation, but didn't want to disturb his friend if he didn't need to. Jim was about to get himself some coffee when his door chimed.

"Come," Jim called out. "Spock!"

"Good morning Jim," Spock smiled in his Vulcan way. "I was wondering if you would care to join me for breakfast in the mess hall?"

"Yeah," Jim nodded looking around his quarters.

"Is everything okay Captain?" Spock asked, stepping aside so Jim could join him in the corridor.

"Yeah, it's just Bones isn't here this morning, and it's a little weird," Jim explained.

"I see," Spock nodded. "The routine has become comfortable to you."

"Yeah, I hated his hovering at first, but this morning has just felt weird." Jim chuckled.

"I am sure the Doctor would be pleased to hear that he was missed." Spock teased gently as they stepped into the turbo lift.

"Oh don't you say one word to him Spock," Jim laughed. "I'd never hear the end of it."

"I have no intention of torturing you Captain." Spock continued. "I will keep your secret."

"Thanks so much Spock, you're a saint."

"I am not sure that I." Spock started.

"Can it Spock," Jim interrupted Spock's argument before he could even get started.

"Can what Captain?" Spock cocked his head to one side as they stepped off the lift.

"Okay, now I know you're just messing with me," Jim grinned.

"So I am," Spock conceded. "So what are you doing today?"

"Well, I have lunch with Christine, Sulu's martial arts class at 1300 hours and a session with Bones at 1500 hours, and other than that, not much. I might try to swing by Kevin Riley's quarters to check on him." Jim said thoughtfully as he filled his tray with an omelet and a glass of milk.

"There will be a debriefing on Ronara at 1100 with Admirals Pike and Bennett." Spock explained. "If you are not busy, it would be agreeable to have you present."

"Agreeable?" Jim snickered. "That still gets me. Spock, are you sure? I mean, I'll have to explain to them why you were there and I wasn't."

"We will simply tell them the same thing I told Prime Ministers Tiago and Raina. You were ill and did not wish to spread infection to others." Spock explained, stirring his yogurt.

"You lied for me Spock," Jim asked incredulously.

"I. Bent the truth," Spock finally looked up a Jim with a gleam in his eys.

"I'm shocked," Jim said with a warm smile. "And touched. Thanks Spock."

"Thanks are not necessary," Spock stated. "Will you join us later this morning?"

"Yes, I am anxious to hear how things went."

"I am anxious, as well, to hear about your time on the Bridge in my absence." Spock said with a slight raise of the eyebrow.

"You heard," Jim looked a bit guilty.

"Doctor McCoy and Lieutenant Sulu both filled me in."

"Spock, the ship was under attack, I couldn't just sit in my quarters doing nothing," Jim explained in a rush. "Bones said I should've trusted Sulu to handle it. I do trust him. I know that he could've handled it just fine, possibly better than I did. It was just gut instinct."

"I see," Spock replied. "Doctor McCoy suggested that I not include you in today's debriefing in light of this."

"I bet," Jim sighed. "I was a mess after things died down."

"The Doctor informed me of that as well, and I reminded him of the amount of progress you've made. Also, seeing as this is your seventh day drug-free, I thought a reward might be in order."

"Whoa whoa whoa Spock, let me get this straight." Jim eyed Spock warily. "Not only do you want to recognize something as small as one week, but you're going to reward me like…like a child?"

"Captain, I am of the aware that reaching this milestone is no small accomplishment for you and I wish to recognize your hard work. I do not mean to make you feel as though I view you as a child however."

"Thanks Spock," Jim smiled warmly, noticing Spock forming an argument. "I don't care if you think I am being illogical. I am grateful for everything you and Bones have done. You keeping the ship running smoothly, and Bones keeping me in one piece."

"Speaking of which, how are you feeling today?" Spock asked after a moment of quiet.

"I'm actually feeling good, really good." Jim set his empty glass down. "I may not be where I want to be but I keep thanking God that I'm not where I was."

"I am pleased to hear that Jim," Spock started gathering his things. "I need to report to the bridge, but I will see you at 1100 hours."

"See you then Spock," Jim nodded as Spock left.

After breakfast, Jim still hadn't heard from McCoy so he thought he'd press his luck and stop by engineering. He knew Scotty was just as upset about the damages the ship had taken.

"G'morning to ye Captain," Scotty smiled when Jim stepped in to engineering.

"You're at work early Scotty," Jim smiled at the smudge of grease on Scotty's cheek.

"Well, we're still working at cleaning up around here a bit," Scotty tried to explain. "The lady took quite a hit."

"It's fine Scotty, I was just stopping by to see how things were," Jim looked around as saw people hard at work. "Is Ensign Riley back at work?"

"Riley?" Scotty thought for a second. "Yes, but the doc has him on light duty so he'll only be here until 1200 hours. Have you thought about my suggestion from last night?"

"I have, where could I find him?" Jim asked.

"Deck thirteen, Section C." Scotty explained. "I think after the briefing will work for me, if that works for you?"

"Sounds good, thanks Scotty, I'll let you get back to your work." Jim clapped Scotty on the shoulder and hurried off to find Kevin.

Jim easily found Kevin working with Lieutenant Tilvox.

"Lieutenant, Ensign, I don't want to interrupt your work." Jim was happy to see Kevin was working pretty well, albeit a bit clumsily with his right hand.

"It is no problem Captain," the Vulcan lieutenant nodded curtly. "We are nearly finished with the repairs to this deck."

"That's great guys. Ensign, could you please report to my ready room at 1200 hours?"

"Yes Sir," Kevin barely looked up, though he felt his stomach flip flop.

"Very good, Lieutenant, Ensign," Jim nodded and took off to change from his blacks to his uniform. He knew the Admirals wouldn't be happy to see him conducting ship business out of uniform.

On his way to the meeting, there was an extra bounce in Jim's step and he smiled at everyone he passed. He couldn't help but be thrilled that he was on his way back to taking command. Jim knew in his heart that he was ready.

When he entered his ready room, Jim was surprised to find McCoy and Spock in a heated debate. As soon as they noticed Jim, they both quickly sobered up.

"Hey Spock, Bones, what's going on?" Jim asked as he took his seat.

"Don't hey Bones me," McCoy snapped. "We'll talk later."

Jim turned to Spock for an explanation, but Spock quickly busied himself with scanning his padd with his notes. A few minutes later Uhura and Scotty enter and the meeting begins. Things went well, and the Admirals accepted that Jim was just under the weather. Jim also informed the Admirals about the Klingon attack.

"It was a good thing you stayed behind then Captain." Admiral Bennett nodded.

"How much damage did the ship take?" Pike asked.

"Minimal Admiral, and repair crews already have most of the ship back in top shape. However, that brings up one final point Lieutenant Scott and I wish to discuss with you." Jim added.

"Ensign Kevin Riley, sir, performed exceptionally well under the attack, bravely, intelligently…" Scotty explained to the Admirals all that Kevin had done. Also the energy-saving upgrade Jim helped implement had been Kevin's idea.

"So according to Starfleet protocol, we feel Ensign Riley should be made lieutenant," Jim finished.

The admirals agreed and Kevin showed up right on time for the small ceremony to take place.

As Kirk placed the commendation cord around Kevin's wrist, he couldn't help but grin. "_Lieutenant_ Riley, congratulations."

"Thank you sir," Kevin replied nervously.

"Are you alright?" Jim asked, noticing Kevin's mood.

"I'm just…overwhelmed." Kevin murmured.

Jim gave a little chuckle and nodded. "Well, you earned it Kevin. Dismissed"

Kevin nodded at the other senior staff members and quickly took his leave.

The others started to make their way out of the room as well, anxious for lunch.

"Jim, wait," Doctor McCoy stopped Jim who was on his way out the door with Scotty.

"Don't worry Bones, I'll save you a spot at lunch," Jim teased.

"Get back here," Bones answered in a no nonsense tone.

Jim came back to the table that Spock and McCoy were still seated at.

"What's going on?" Jim asked taking a seat. "This seems serious."

"Damnit Jim, this is serious." McCoy thundered, banging a fist down on the table. "Did you think you'd get away with this?"

"What?" Jim asked, confusion etched in his face. "What is going on Bones?"

Spock meanwhile had messaged Uhura. "Please reestablish a link with Admiral Pike,"

"What is going on?" Jim demanded coldly.

"I told you I'd keep quiet about this as long as you followed the treatment plan," Bones shook his head in disappointment.

"The admiral is on," Uhura's voice rang out.

"I have," Jim started to argue when the Admiral's face reappeared in the view screen.

"Gentlemen?" Pike asked. "To what do I owe the honor of getting to speak with you twice in one day?"

"It is a matter of grave concern Admiral," Spock explained. Jim sat there dumbfounded, looking from Spock to McCoy and back to Spock.

"What's wrong?" Pike asked leaning forward.

"Jim do you want to explain _this_ to Admiral Pike?" Bones pulled out a small bag and set it on the table where Pike would be able to see it.

The color drained from Jim's face as he recognized the contents. "What? It's not mine,"

"It's not mine," McCoy mimicked. "The oldest excuse in the book."

"Doctor McCoy, please explain what I am seeing here." Pike ordered sharply.

"It's phesphic acid, Admiral." McCoy explained simply. "It is Captain Kirk's, he has been hiding an addiction to the drug."

"Jim," Pike exclaimed. "Captain Kirk." He quickly resumed his professionalism after the initial shock wore off.

"Admiral, I swear I have never seen this bag before," Jim swore with every fiber of his being. He felt like a rug had been ripped out from under him. "I will admit that I used to have a problem with phesphic acid, but I am past it now." He turned to glare at McCoy.

"I have no reason to doubt you Captain Kirk." Pike responded thoughtfully. "I cannot however take this matter lightly. When you reach Starbase 2, I must order you to report to their medical facilities. I will be in the area and stop by. We'll proceed from there. Doctor, I would like you perform random drug testing at your leisure, and report to me daily until we reach the station. Bring that bag with you. I want to see it."

"Yes sir," McCoy nodded.

"Kirk, if even one of those reports come back that you are under the influence, you will be stripped of your title."

"I swear, that stuff isn't mine. I don't even know where it came from." Kirk argued.

"I have an appointment I must attend to, I will see you in three days, Pike out." The view screen went black.

The three men sat in silence, Spock and McCoy both watching Jim glare at the table, his hands clenched in tight fists.

"Why Jim," Spock finally asked with a trace of sadness in his voice.

Jim didn't answer right away. His lips were pressed in a tight line as though if he opened his mouth a burst of protests and hurt and angry words would come out that he wouldn't be able to control. Jim sighed deeply, haggardly, trying to control his temper that was barely hanging on. Jim finally looked like he was about to speak, but no words would come out. He threw his hands up in the air in a fit of exasperation.

"What can I say?" Jim finally muttered. "What's the point? You won't believe me. It's not going to change anything. I'm going to my quarters." He roughly pushed himself back from the table and felt his whole body shaking with fury.

"I've check your account, you obviously didn't buy it," McCoy called out before Jim could leave.

"See, I didn't buy it, it isn't mine," Jim whirled around hoping this fact could prove his innocence.

"Who did you talk into buying this stuff for you?" McCoy demanded.

"What?" Jim gasped in disbelief.

"It was in your room Jim, what are we supposed to think?" McCoy cried. "Who did you coerce into buying this for you?"

"I am so disappointed Jim," Spock spoke up.

Jim thought he would cry, but the tears didn't come. "Someone set me up. Then again, like I said, what's it matter? Your minds are already made up." With that, Jim stormed out of the ready room towards his quarters.

**A/N: This one is going to be a two parter. Sorry everyone. **


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 (**a.k.a. part two of chapter 6…thanks for your patience everyone)**

The afternoon flew by rather quickly. At the last minute, Jim decided to go to Sulu's martial arts class. After giving the helmsman a run for his money, Jim stormed back to his quarters. At 17:00 his door chimed.

"Go away," Jim ordered as he was tossing some of his desk stuff in a bag.

"Jim, open up." McCoy called out.

"Fuck off," Jim yelled back. He knew what was coming, but hoped McCoy wouldn't do it. A minute later McCoy was standing in Jim's quarters. "I'm really not going to miss you coming in whenever you feel like it."

"What are you talking about?" McCoy asked.

Jim just rolled his eyes. "You're here to test me right?" Jim straightened up and opened his arms wide, allowing McCoy to scan him.

"Jim, I'm here for our daily session, I'm here to talk." McCoy made his way to Jim's couch.

"Talk," Jim exploded, feeling the rage still coursing through his veins. "Talk! I can barely stand to look at you. I hate you. I _hate_ you."

"I can understand that," McCoy continued calmly. "But can you understand that we just want to help you?"

"Help me," Jim muttered as he turned back to cleaning off his desk. "Yeah, you guys helped me. You helped me right out of Starfleet."

"Jim, you aren't going to be kicked out."

"I'm not staying. Not when I'll be forever known as Lieutenant Kirk, not when there is someone on this ship out to get me."

"No one is out to get you Jim." McCoy shook his head.

"Give this to Pike when we get to Starbase 2. I'll be gone before he gets there." Jim all but threw a padd at McCoy.

"What is this?"

"My resignation. Now. Get. Out."

"Jim…" McCoy stood up and started to go to Jim's side.

"What part of 'get out' do you not understand?" Jim yelled. "Get out, get the fuck out of my quarters!"

"Okay," McCoy whispered, and slowly backed out of Jim's quarters. At the door he ran into Riley. "Kevin, now probably isn't a good time."

"I have to talk to the captain," Kevin demanded.

"I'm not the captain anymore, Spock is." Jim spat as his door slid closed and locked.

"I knew something bad would happen," Kevin muttered.

"What Lieutenant?" McCoy turned to face Kevin.

"I think Commander Spock, you and I need to have a talk," Kevin explained as bravely as he could.

"What's going on Lieutenant?" McCoy ordered.

"Can I wait until the Commander is here to explain?" Kevin asked nervously.

"Well, let's not do this at Jim's door, come on."

Kevin, Spock and McCoy were back in the ready room and Kevin looked decidedly uncomfortable.

"What is this all about Lieutenant?" Spock finally asked.

"I…I think I need to give this back," Kevin spoke softly, pushing his new cord across the table to Spock. "I made a huge mistake."

"What happened Kevin?" McCoy urged.

"Well, Lieutenant Giatto said he wanted to play a little prank on the Captain a few days ago," Kevin started to explain. "I just ignored him. He's always saying dumb stuff, but never really does anything. But then he heard the Captain was on medical leave, and asked if anyone knew why."

"You told him," McCoy assumed.

"Yes sir," Kevin whispered. "I wasn't even thinking. I was so wrapped up in my warp core project, that it was out before I could stop and think. He seemed pretty pleased with himself yesterday evening after dinner and was joking around with some of his buddies in security. I knew then, he wasn't just talking, that he had planned something. I was going to try to warn the Capitan as soon as I could, but I got busy last night and then I was on my way to tell him today when I heard him yelling in his quarters and you came out."

"Could Giatto have framed Jim?" McCoy turned to Spock looking positively sick. "My God Spock; what have we done?"

"Lieutenant," Spock spoke firmly. "This cord is yours, it is not something for you to give back. A slip of the tongue does not take away from the promising work you have done. Thank you for coming forward. In the future, I am sure you will learn when to keep certain information to yourself. Dismissed."

"Yes Sir, thank you." Kevin hastily saluted and hurried out of the ready room.

"I have Jim's resignation right here," McCoy carefully set the padd on the table.

"Let us not jump to conclusions," Spock spoke thoughtfully. "I believe the next step is to find out who was in Jim's quarters last night."

Spock messaged Chekov's station.

"Mr. Chekov, will you please pull up the sensor logs for the Captain's quarters for the last twenty four hours and send that information to the ready room?"

"Certainly sir," Chekov answered cheerfully.

While they waited for the report to come, Bones couldn't help but muse, "I wonder how many people on the ship know now."

"That is no longer important," Spock declared. "Finding out where the acid came from is our top priority."

Just then the computer beeped letting Spock know his requested files were ready. He quickly hit play and the two men started watching. Sure enough, they didn't have to wait long. Right after Jim and McCoy finished the previous day's session to head to the mess hall, the screen showed a security over ride with Giatto's code. The screen wouldn't show what Giatto did in Kirk's quarters but it was clear he snuck in and two minutes later snuck back out.

"I'd say the brig is too good for him," McCoy spat.

"For now, Lieutenant Giatto will be confined to his quarters," Spock ordered. "We must go apologize to Jim."

"He won't talk to us," McCoy declared.

"I am sure if he sees the logical way that this looked to us, he will be understanding."

"Jim? Logical?" McCoy chuckled darkly.

"Well, we must try." Spock stood formally.

Jim hadn't made it much past cleaning his desk. After Bones left, he'd collapsed on the couch in a fit of exhaustion. He was still curled up when his door chimed. "Come," he called out, knowing he wouldn't get the privacy he craved anyways.

"Jim," Spock called out slowly entering the captain's quarters. "It has come to my attention that Lieutenant Giatto was in your quarters last night."

"What?" Jim asked half dazed. "No he wasn't."

"While you and I were at supper Jim, he broke in." McCoy explained.

"Hrmph," Jim grumbled.

"Jim, Spock and I, we were wrong," McCoy fell to his knees next to Jim.

"Yeah," Jim murmured still not looking at either man.

"Captain, if you look at the situation from what information we originally had, you can understand why we were led to believe what we did."

"You broke into my quarters too Bones," Jim pointed out. "This morning while I was at breakfast with Spock." Jim finally sat up and looked at his commanding officer and CMO with dead eyes.

"You didn't trust me," Jim continued. "I turned my entire life over to the two of you, and you broke into my quarters and didn't have any trust or faith in me."

"We were wrong Jim," McCoy put a hand on Jim's knee, but quickly pulled it away when he saw the look of disgust Jim gave it. "We were so wrong."

"Well, it doesn't matter now. I knew from the beginning I could lose everything. I just thought maybe I'd be able to beat this before it beat me. It doesn't matter now though." Jim sighed and huffed himself up.

"But it hasn't beaten you," McCoy argued."I know you hate us right now, but please don't resign."

"What can I do?" Jim turned and yelled. "Pike knows everything. Pike of all god damn people. Did you know that man is like a father to me? Now he knows. Giatto apparently knows, so I am sure everyone else does too. There is no way I can hold my head up anywhere in Starfleet now. There's only one thing I can do."

"We can deal with all of this for you. We will clear this up for you," Spock argued, showing a bit of emotion. "We put you in this position. We will get you out of it."

"No," Jim sighed. "I'm done fighting. I'm so tired. Frank's got an opening at his shop in Riverside. It's not paradise, but it'll do." Jim explained sadly.

"Jim, you belong up here," McCoy argued. "If it's us, we'll leave."

"No Bones, the _Enterprise _deserves the best." Jim sighed and went over to his desk.

"Jim, is there nothing we can do to persuade you to stay?" Spock asked.

"Can you put things back to the way they were yesterday?" Jim asked softly.

Spock and McCoy shared a worried glance before Spock spoke again. "We will reach Starbase 2 in two days. Until that point, you are the acting Captain." McCoy announced, and then hurried out of the room.

"Jim, I do apologize for falsely accusing you of relapsing," Spock said calmly. "I know for a fact that this crew still respects you and very much wants you to stay. An old Earth proverb comes to mind; 'Sorrow looks back; worry looks ahead; faith looks up.' please know that I always have been and always will be your friend, Captain." With that, Spock stepped out of Jim's quarters.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The next morning, Jim pulled his uniform sweater on slowly, considering how his journey had led him to this point. "I guess, in the end I wasn't meant to be here after all." Jim smiled ruefully at his reflection in the mirror. After grabbing a cup of coffee and giving his mostly empty quarters a quick glance, he hurried to the bridge.

Unbeknownst to Jim, Spock was in sickbay, talking to McCoy before alpha shift started.

"After speaking with Lieutenant Giatto last night, we came to an agreement that his services might be a better fit on another ship. " Spock explained. "The _Columbus_ is expected to be at Starbase 2 in one week and they have agreed to take him."

"S'that the _agreement_ you came to?" McCoy chuckled.

"Yes doctor," Spock frowned. "Have you contacted the Admiral yet?"

"He was out last night, but his secretary assured me he will contact us as soon as he gets in this morning." McCoy reported.

"As far as the Captain's random drug testing." Spock trailed off uncharacteristically.

"Don't worry about that," McCoy smiled mischievously. "We owed Jim, so I took the liberty of…" McCoy held up a padd.

"What is that?"

"Test results for yesterday and the next two days." McCoy answered, quite proud of himself.

"You fabricated Jim's test results?"

"Fabricated? Not exactly. They are his test results, just from earlier last week. All clean bills of heath, all with their dates adjusted."

"The Captain may ask."

"Jim's not exactly speaking to me yet," McCoy pointed out.

"I also took a liberty as well," Spock admitted. "I have removed our access to Jim's personal account."

Suddenly Uhura's voice interrupted the two men. "Doctor, Admiral Pike is on the line."

"Patch him through Uhura," McCoy turned his monitor so that Spock could see Pike as well.

"Doctor, I got an urgent message from my secretary," Pike said as soon as the visual came through.

"Admiral, I'm afraid I've got some news that really complicates things," McCoy sighed. He hated seeing the tired, stressed look on the Admiral's face. He knew how close he and Jim were.

"Admiral, I am afraid there has been a misunderstanding and Captain Kirk has been the victim of a vicious prank." Spock explained.

"Spock, McCoy, I'm tired," Pike pinched the bridge of his nose. "Just spill it."

"The drugs we found yesterday were planted in Jim's quarters. A prank pulled by one of the crewmen. When I found them, I was under the impression that the Captain was using them when we spoke yesterday afternoon. Later that evening, the guilty parties were discovered and appropriate consequences have been distributed."

Pike sighed deeply and shook his head. "Jim?"

"He's written his letter of resignation," McCoy continued, holding up the padd Jim had given him. "He isn't using, he doesn't need to leave."

"He admitted to having taken drugs yesterday," Pike commented.

"He also admitted that is was a problem in his past," Spock pointed out.

"Admiral, Jim is planning on high tailing it back to Earth from Starbase 2," McCoy pled. "He won't listen to us, but he will listen to you. Can you try to talk him out of it? He belongs here on _Enterprise._ You have to agree."

"He always was a runner," Pike mused more to himself than anyone else.

"Can you please hurry to meet us. I am afraid he'll try to run if we beat you there." McCoy asked as politely as he could without begging.

"Admiral, I don't know what to say," Spock folded his hands neatly.

"For now, nothing." Pike mused slowly. "I will rearrange some things and leave today. Continue as normal and I will see you gentlemen tomorrow. Pike out."

With that the screen went blank.

"That went well," McCoy said wryly.

"I must report to the bridge," Spock stood. "As per the Admiral, we will say and do nothing out of the ordinary. I believe you should plan to continue your sessions with the Captain as Pike advised us to continue our normal routine."

"Understood Spock," McCoy nodded.

Throughout the morning, Jim sat nervously in his chair. It felt great to be back, but he kept expecting at any minute someone to comment on his absence. He had to stop himself a couple times and remind himself to just enjoy these last two days on the bridge.

Just before lunch time, Christine stepped on the bridge.

"Captain," she wound her way to his seat with a warm smile.

"Nurse Chapel," Jim gave a slight nod. "What can I do for you?"

"I was wondering if you would join me for lunch today?"

"Well, I was planning on just eating a sandwich and going over a couple reports," Jim noticed Christine's face fall a little. "But, I suppose a break from work would be fine," he admitted.

"Great," Christine's smile returned. When she didn't move, Jim raised an eyebrow.

"You ready for lunch now?" he chuckled slightly.

"Famished Sir."

"Alright," Jim pulled himself out of his chair. "Spock you've got the conn. I'll be back in an hour."

"Yes sir," Spock moved from his science station to the center of the bridge.

When Jim and Christine got to the mess hall, Jim's nose picked up a smell. "Is that…prime rib?" Jim sniffed.

"I believe so sir," Christine smiled knowingly. "And baked potatoes."

"That all smells wonderful, but what's prime rib without…"

"Horseradish sir," one of the cooks offered Jim a small cup.

"Thank you Lieutenant." Jim grinned. "How in the world did we get approved for prime rib?" Jim mused to Christine as they made their way to a table.

"I believe our lunch guest may have the answer to that." Christine nodded, hoping Jim wouldn't turn and flee at seeing McCoy already at the table with a three glasses of iced tea. Jim frowned slightly, but made his way over to the table.

"Hey," McCoy gave a small smile.

"Bones," Jim nodded and took a seat stiffly.

"You two better be nice now, I want to enjoy this lunch," Christine took a seat next to McCoy.

"What's the occasion?" Jim asked as he spread the horseradish over his rib.

"Two week anniversary," McCoy picked up his glass in a small toast. "Congratulations Jim."

"Thanks," Jim clinked his glass against Christine and McCoy's. He felt a little bit of pride at making it so far. He also wondered if this was how he was going to remember his friend after he left _Enterprise_, each interaction a careful dance around the elephant in the room.

The three made small talk for a while, but soon Jim could no longer take it.

"Bones, what are you going to do about the drug testing? No matter what I do, Pike'll want to see it."

"It's been taken care of Jim, everything has," Bones sighed. "except for one thing."

"What's that?" Jim asked stabbing a piece of broccoli.

"You," McCoy frowned.

"What about me?"

"What's going to happen to you?"

"I'm going back to Riverside, you know that."

"Jim, I've done some discrete checking around," Christine spoke up. "Spock, Uhura, Kevin, Giatto, Ensign Brooks and myself are the only ones who know anything. Brooks won't say anything he's so shy. Please, don't leave."

Jim set his fork down and carefully thought about what he might say. "So much has happened Christine…so many things have been said and done…I don't know how I could stay."

"Is there nothing I can say or do," McCoy asked evenly. "Giatto will be gone in three days, Spock reverted the settings on your account…"

"Just give that letter to Pike," Jim interrupted.

"We've got a week of leave coming up at Risa, you love Risa," Christine argued.

Jim didn't say anything. Bones and Christine were tempting him. It was like they were giving him everything he wanted. He couldn't understand why he couldn't just say yes to their offer. The look Bones was giving him wasn't helping either. His best friend knew him too well and could tell that Jim was still on the fence.

"I want to continue our sessions Jim," McCoy finally spoke. "I need to get back to sickbay, but I'll see you at 16:00 hours in your quarters."

"Okay Bones," Jim nodded. "I should get back to work myself."

The afternoon passed quietly, and Jim was surprised to see Uhura approach him quietly.

"Captain," she murmured.

"Yes, Lieutenant?" Jim was puzzled. If there was a message coming in, Uhura would have just called out to him across the bridge.

"I wanted to give you this," She responded simply, handing him a padd, then hurried back to her station. Jim watched her for a minute as she scanned every channel for any messages. He turned back to the front and saw Chekov and Sulu also busy at work, though there was little work to be done.

Finally he looked down at the padd in his hand. He hit the play button and smiled warmly.

'_Instead of giving yourself reasons why you can't, give yourself reasons why you can.'_

_Love, Nyota_

Below the message was a picture of the senior staff their first shore leave after taking command.

Jim glanced towards the communication station. Uhura threw Jim a quick wink and got back to work. He looked back at the picture of he and his friends sitting around a campfire. Damn if his crew wasn't making this harder than he thought it would be.


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't updated for a while. This last week has been absolutely crazy with the blizzard and all. I want to say a quick thanks to everyone who has been reading. It really means so much to me.

Two days later, Jim was sitting in a bar, sipping on a glass of Denarian Ale. After a few hours of searching, he'd found a shuttle going by the Pluto mining fields where he could get a transport the rest of the way back to Earth. He was enjoying the bit of solitude, and couldn't understand why he felt so depressed. Jim knew this was how things had to be. He was being logical for once in his life. He couldn't figure out why he couldn't get his heart to listen to his head.

When a slim man in a grey suit sat down next to him, Jim barely noticed.

"Why is it that any time I need to find you, I always know to hit the bars first?" The man spoke.

"Admiral," Jim gave a slight nod of his head.

"How are you doing son?" Pike asked as he waved the bartender away. "You holding up okay?"

"Of course I'm alright." Jim forced a smile.

"you're a horrible liar Jim," Pike chuckled. "Such a horrible liar."

"If you wanna know the truth, Right now feel like I'm sinking fast." Jim relented with a sigh. _ Admiral you always could see right behind this mask. But I won't give it away, Gonna keep it inside, _Jim thought to himself. "But I'll be alright." He took a last swallow from his drink and slid off the barstool.

"Jim don't make me report you for abandoning your station," Pike called out after Jim got a few steps away.

"You can't report me admiral Pike, I've resigned." Jim replied, not turning back to look at his mentor.

"In order for an officer to resign a senior officer must have a letter of resignation on file. You have no such letter submitted."

"I gave the letter to McCoy to give to you," Jim whirled around, a look of frustration flashing across his face.

"McCoy didn't give me any letter," Jim slowly made his way back to the barstool he just left. "I must say however, it seems like quite a few mistakes were made up there."

"Sure were," Jim replied glumly.

"Listen to me Jim. you forgave Riley, Riley forgave you, Spock and McCoy forgave you. Now you need to forgive them. You are their captain and you three need each other. No one in Starfleet wants to see this dynamic broken up. I never told anyone else what you three told me the other day," Pike explained.

"I want to forgive them, but it's so hard." Jim pouted a little.

"Since when are you afraid of a challenge," Pike scoffed. "You get back to your ship, continue your sessions with McCoy and take care of yourself. That is an order Captain."

"Yes sir," Jim gave a small smile. "If they'll have me."

"I know for a fact that they will, now get out of here."

When Jim beamed back aboard, he was surprised to find Spock in the transporter room.

"Ah Captain, just in time," Spock nodded. "Mr. Scott and Keenser have been going at it again, Keenser locked out the warp drive and refuses to give the release code to anyone except you or one of his seventy four brothers."

"Spock I…" Jim trailed off when Spock shot him his trademark look. If Spock didn't want to acknowledge what happened Jim was fine with dealing with it later as well. "Let's go."

After thirty minutes of mediating between his Chief Engineer and Keenser, the warp drive was back online and Keenser promised not to do it again. Jim picked up his duffel and swung it over his shoulder and started walking out of engineering with Spock.

"Spock, I want to apologize for…"

"Captain, your apology is not necessary," Spock interrupted. "It is I who should apologize. I acted quite inappropriately and quite illogically."

"Too bad Bones wasn't here to hear you say that," Jim laughed softly. "It's okay Spock, when I stopped to look at how things looked from your perspective, it…well…it didn't look good."

"In any case, Doctor McCoy and I should have spoken with you before speaking with Admiral Pike, and I should not have entered your quarters without your permission."

"Apology accepted," Jim nodded briefly. "Spock, I want you to know that I've been clean for almost two and a half weeks now. I really want to do this. I want to stay clean. It's really hard for me though, and I really need Bones' and your support. It seems like every day at least once or twice all I can think about is just getting one little drop. Or I try to rationalize that I'll only try it when I'm off duty or something. I've been able to pull myself through those times so far but it's hard and I need support, not suspicion."

"I understand Jim," Spock replied, giving Jim an almost smile. "After you have dropped off your belongings and change, I believe our business on the base is complete, I will see you on the bridge?"

"Sure thing Spock. I'll be there in twenty minutes," Jim entered the code to his quarters and stepped in.

Spock gave a slight bow and turned to go back to the turbo lift.

Jim surveyed his bare quarters for a second at the doorway. He was happy to notice that his head was no longer filled with as many doubts as it was two hours ago. After a second, Jim turned to the communication device on his wall.

"Captain's quarters to sickbay."

"Sickbay here Jim," McCoy's voice responded quickly. "What can I do for you?"

"You still have that padd that I gave you the other day," Jim asked.

"What padd?"

"The one with the letter on it," Jim rolled his eyes. "The one I told you to give Pike."

"The letter?" McCoy asked. "Jim, I'm pretty busy down here, I don't know what you're talking about. What letter is this?"

Just then Jim heard the teasing in McCoy's voice, and grinned. "Never mind Bones, see you at 16:00?"

"Affirmative Jim," McCoy responded, and then after a beat passed, added, "Glad to hear your voice."

"You too Bones. Kirk out."

Jim was smiling as he dressed this time. _Maybe, just mayb,e everything was going to be okay this time_, Jim thought to himself.

At 16:00 on the dot, Jim hurried back to his quarters. He saw McCoy standing at his door. "Sorry I am a bit late Bones," Jim hustled to open the door and let McCoy in.

"Don't worry about it, I'll charge your for the full hour anyways," McCoy laughed.

"Great," Jim set a couple padds he'd been carrying on his desk while McCoy grabbed a couple cups of coffee from the replicator, before they met again on Jim's couch.

"So, nineteen days," McCoy smiled, raising his cup to Jim.

"Yeah, it's sorta hard to believe," Jim blushed slightly. "I didn't think we'd make it this far.

"There's no we here Jim. This is all you. _You_ did this."

"Technicalities," Jim snickered. "Hey, I am sorry for going off on you the other day."

"Eh, I had it coming."

"I want you to understand something," Jim explained carefully. "I regret that I yelled at you, that I said those things to you. I regret that I handled everything in an unprofessional way. I don't however regret the feelings I had." Jim paused and took a shaky breath.

McCoy sat next to him silently, waiting for Jim to continue.

"I was furious with you and Spock. I'd never felt more betrayed and alone in my whole life. Not even Winona at her worst hurt me the way you two did. You were the only one who I thought would never hurt me and now…you're almost like a different person to me now." Jim stared down at his cup of cooling coffee forcing the lump in his throat down.

"Jim, I am so sorry," McCoy choked out.

"You know Sam left when I was nine, and before that he was gone as often as he could be…" Jim continued.

"Yeah," McCoy quickly wiped his eyes.

"I always thought, that was it, I'd lost my shot at having a brother for good, but then I saw you on that shuttle and I found a new brother."

"Jim…" McCoy didn't care anymore. He set his cup down and wrapped his arms around his friend.

"No Bones, wait," Jim pulled himself back. "I just keep seeing the call with Pike over and over in my head, and..."

"I screwed up Jim, I know I screwed up bad." McCoy moaned.

"I did too," Jim sighed. "I am sorry I am putting you through all of this. I told Spock that I understand how things must have looked to you guys. I've put you guys through so much because of my idiocracy. Seriously, for the secrets and lies I put you through. I wouldn't be surprised if you hate me too."

"It was worth it," McCoy sniffed and nodded. "Look Jim, I don't really care what happens to me, I just want to see you happy and more importantly, healthy. If that means lying to Starfleet then so be it."

"I care what happens to you." Jim sat up straighter, looking a little bit like his old self again.

"Yeah well…" McCoy trailed off. "As friends I can go along with everyone else on board and just assume you were conducting some business on the base today, but as your counselor, I can't."

"Yeah, I know," Jim sighed. "Look, I didn't really want to resign, but I felt like I couldn't go on here with everyone who knew, knowing what they knew, you know?" Jim sort of chuckled when he realized how that came out.

"I think I get it," McCoy nodded.

"Pike found me though, somehow," Jim paused a second as realization dawned on him. "You talked to him again, you told him where I was."

"I wasn't going to just let you walk away," McCoy smiled.

"Well thanks," Jim nodded. "So yeah, Pike found me and we talked a little, and there's not much more to say about that."

"You know you can't just go around resigning every time something is bugging you," McCoy pointed out.

"Yeah, but I figure there's our sessions, keeping Scotty and Keenser from tearing each other apart and of course that case of bootleg 2078 Chateau Lafitte that Uhura keeps hidden in her quarters."

"2078….How do you know about Uhura's wine collection?" McCoy demanded.

"Wouldn't you like to know!" Jim grinned, throwing an arm around McCoy's shoulders. "Come on Bones, it's been over an hour. Let's go find Christine and grab some dinner."

**A/N part 2: I didn't want to go on and on at the top of this chapter, but I want to give a shout out and a huge thank you to ****LyradanaGreetsTheWind, for the awesome review. That meant so much to me. Thank you also to everyone else who has added this story to their favorite or alerts. **


	10. Chapter 10

Jim nervously stepped up on the small platform at the front of the room, in front of his crew. It was a small comfort to have Spock and Bones there as well. All last evening and all morning, McCoy had pestered Jim, asking if he really thought this was necessary, and did he really want to do this. Each time, Jim calmly told McCoy he owed it to the crew to be honest.

"Good afternoon everyone," Jim nodded. "At ease, please take your seats." After everyone sat, Jim launched into the meeting.

"I am sorry to pull everyone from your work, but I promise to try to keep this meeting short. There is much news to cover since our last all hands meeting. First of all, as you know, we have two weeks of shore leave on Risa coming up. Mr. Spock and I have worked out a rotation schedule allowing each of you one week of uninterrupted leave. That schedule will be posted by 0800 tomorrow. Personal requests have been honored, within reason, based on seniority. Please enjoy this time off and, as I always say, don't do anything I wouldn't do." Jim gave Christine a wink.

The crew chuckled lightly and fell silent again.

"Before shore leave however, we will being traveling to Bajor. A new member to the Federation. They've requested our presence to attempt to deter the Cardassian interest in their planet. We will be in orbit for a week and two away teams will go down to the surface to discuss possible resistance tactics and training should Starfleet not always be present."

Jim glanced at his padd to make sure he was covering everything he wanted to.

"Next, I would like to formal congratulate Lieutenant Kevin Riley, Lieutenant Lex Gonzalez, and Ensign Admon Eduardo Tavares Silva on your commendations over the past six months. Your hard work, innovative thinking and examples of leadership are traits Starfleet takes very seriously and you may take pride in. Please stand and be recognized."

The three crewmen stood and received a warm round of applause.

"We must also continue to remember the memory of those lost in the last six months, Ensign Walter Clements and Lieutenant Brenda Nicholson." Jim paused for a moment of silence.

When he looked up again, Jim nervously licked his lips and plunged ahead.

"Now, on to some important business. As your captain, it is my moral obligation to tell you why we were delayed on Starbase 2. I made one of the biggest mistakes any person could make. I chased off anyone who tried to warn me or care for me. I thought I could be strong and stand on my own. I thought I was so clever. After a while though, I couldn't even stand the face I saw when I looked in the mirror. I turned to drugs for courage, and it only turned me into a coward."

Jim stared at the wall at the far end of the room. He couldn't bring himself to meet the eyes of his shocked crew.

"I've learned a lot in the last three weeks, and even more in the past twenty hours. What I've learned is that willpower, friendship and forgiveness are three of the most valuable things in this quadrant. It doesn't matter what discoveries we make or how fast we race across the quadrant, the most profound things are not necessarily _things_."

"These ideals are within us, all of us, and we…I …can't be afraid to look to others or within myself for help. I can't be afraid to expose myself and my failures. I can't afford that luxury. There is no room for fear in space."

The crew started talking loudly amongst themselves. Jim, feeling a wave of nausea over take his already nervous state he'd had all afternoon, stumbled back to his seat, head in hands. Spock put a tender hand on Jim's shoulder and Jim waved McCoy's tricorder aside causing McCoy to sigh impatiently.

"Hey!" McCoy jumped up, yelling to the crew. "Listen to me." He ordered, and the crew fell silent again.

"In either walk of life, civilian or officer, there is a margin of error and it is miniscule. All it takes is one misstep, one second too slow or too fast to cross that line. That line that we have to walk is all around us, all the time, everywhere. We have work as a team, we have help each other see those lines and help each other stay on the right side because we know that when we cross that line someone will be there to help us back over. _That's_ going to make the fucking difference between winning and losing, between living and dying. The ones who are willing to die are the ones that will walk that line by their friends' side. I know that I would fight, that I would die for that privilege."

McCoy's arm shot out like an arrow, pointing at Jim as he continued his rant. "You see before you a man, albeit an imperfect man, but a man who is willing to sacrifice himself for his team, to walk that line and pull others back over as he has numerous times before, because he knows that when it comes down to it, you're gonna do the same for him. That's a team ladies and gentlemen. That's a team that Starfleet believes we are. Look at the people you're sitting next to and you tell me, is Starfleet right? Are we a team that will walk the line together?"

In a flash, Scotty was on his feet, saluting McCoy. Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, Kevin and Christine quickly followed suit. Before McCoy knew it, the whole room was on their feet at attention. He turned back to look where Jim was sitting and saw Spock helping a dumbfounded Jim to his feet.

Jim slowly came to stand next to McCoy, with Spock by his other side. "Thank you all for your support. It means so much to me," Jim's voice shook a little. "At ease."

"To answer the questions I know you all have, I will explain what's been going on. For the last three weeks, prior to Starbase 2, I was on medical leave, getting clean. It hasn't been an easy journey by any stretch of the imagination, but I have had the help and support of some very special people." Jim threw a grateful smile to McCoy who smiled back. Jim then turned to look his crew in the eyes, with newfound strength.

"Upon arrival at Starbase 2 however I had every intention of resigning as your captain. I'd thought you all deserved a better captain, a stronger one. Admiral Pike, the only person outside of this crew who knows about all of this, helped me see that we all make mistakes and that we shouldn't allow those mistakes to stop us. We have to learn from them, and move on." Jim felt his voice gaining a bit more strength and took half a step forward.

"Right now, I would like to simply apologize to all of you. I have not been living up to the standards of a Starfleet captain, but it is my goal to earn your trust and support again. If that is not acceptable, I will completely understand, and other arrangements can be made as was the case for one former crewmember for whom I wish much success to as he takes on his new role on the _USS Columbus_. If you have any other questions or concerns, please feel free to come and talk to me. I am more than willing to talk about any of this. That is all for now. Dismissed."

The crew was slow to leave, and the rest of the senior staff hurried up to the stage. Uhura promptly threw her arms around Jim and whispered in his ear, "I'm so glad you're back."

Jim smiled and gave her a slight squeeze. "So am I."

"Have you contacted your step father yet?" Spock asked formally.

"I called him last night," Jim nodded. "He was disappointed to lose me as a mechanic, but was happy for me getting the help I need."

"How are ye feeling Captain?" Scotty asked tentatively.

"I'm feeling really good Scotty, thanks for asking." Jim grinned. "Some days are better than others, but today has been pretty good."

"Yeah, ummm Captain," Uhura started as sternly as she could muster.

"Yes Lieutenant?" Jim teased, matching her formality.

"It's been brought to my attention that you know about the case of vintage wine my brother sent me."

"This is true," Jim smirked seeing Uhura squirm slightly.

"It isn't that much, and I know we're not supposed to have liquor in our quarters, and…"

Jim quickly cut her off, seeing her start to blush profusely. "Uhura, it's fine. There are very few secrets on this ship…Scotty's still in engineering, Bones' bottle of bourbon in his desk drawer, Sulu's impressive selection of Sake...I haven't quite found it yet, but I wouldn't be surprised to find a bottle of Stoli or Pshenichnaya in Chekov's sock drawer."

"Keptin, I'd never," Chekov exclaimed drawing a laugh from the others. Realizing the joke, Chekov decided to play along. "Notzing but Putinka for me." He stated proudly, causing the others to laugh harder.

"Aye, weel, speaking of engineering," Scotty chuckled.

"Of course Mr. Scott," Spock nodded, his eyes twinkling slightly. "We wouldn't want to detain you any longer than necessary."

With a nod, he hurried off, followed by Sulu and Chekov to finish out their shifts.

"I am going to go wrap some things up in sickbay," McCoy explained as the others started towards the turbo lift. "1600 hours Jim."

"Yes sir," Jim gave a mock salute.

"Such a child," McCoy muttered as he went down the corridor towards his office and the other three stepped on the turbo lift.

"It's weird," Jim mused when the lift started moving.

"What is sir?" Uhura asked.

"I thought I was happy before, but now I see happiness in a whole new way that I never realized was possible." Jim chuckled when the doors to the bridge slid open and Lieutenant Olsen stood at attention, releasing the comm.

Jim, Spock and Uhura stood at the back of the bridge for a second. '_When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door, that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.'_ Jim thought to himself. With a satisfied nod, Jim stepped down and after a quick smile to Olsen, he took his seat.

**A/N: I have to thank Al Pacino for some help/inspiration with some Jim and McCoy's speeches. Things are going better so there will probably be fewer updates. The story isn't over yet, but I wanted to let you all know. I want to thank everyone who has been reading this story. **


	11. Chapter 11

Coke Story Ch. 11

"Scotty?" Jim called down a Jeffries tube.

"I'm down here Captain," Scotty called back, not stopping his work. Did ye need something?"

Jim swung a leg around to climb down to his chief engineer. "What are you doing to my ship now Scotty?" Jim teased.

"Just updating the plasma conduits captain." Scotty replied with a twinkle in his eye.

"Need a hand?" Jim offered.

"Surely, could ye hand me that wrench?"

Jim handed Scotty the tool he needed and sat down on the bottom rung of the ladder.

"What be on yer mind Captain?"

"Huh?"

"I know ye aren't just wandering the Jeffries tubes for the fun of it," Scotty chuckled, placing the used plasma packet in the waiting case.

"I…just thought I'd stop by and see how you were."

Scotty set the new packet he was about it insert back in its box and turned on his heel to give Jim a look. He knew his captain better than this. With arms crossed, he gave Jim a stern look.

"I wanted to talk to someone without it getting out to anyone else…especially Bones." Jim declared. "Bones cannot know a word breathed here."

"What's tha matter Captain?" Scotty's glare melted into a look of concern.

"I…slipped." Jim whispered quietly, picking at a piece on lint on his pants.

"You slipped?" Scotty asked. "Did you twist your ankle, hurt your back…"

"Scotty I slipped," Jim looked up and repeated himself a bit louder. "you know, slipped, messed up, started using again, fell off the proverbial wagon."

"Ohh ye _slipped_." Scotty nodded slowly in understanding.

"It happened a month ago," Jim continued. "I though, it being a month, the habit was broken, and I would be okay one time. I was so fucking beyond wrong. I've lied to Bones and Spock, and I am disgusted with myself."

"How many times have ye used in tha last month?"

"At least twelve times." Jim answered shortly.

"And why are ye telling me Captain? What do ye want me to do with this information?"

"I don't know Scotty," Jim moaned. "Please don't tell anyone. I just want to start over again. Give it another try. I read that it took some people who used to smoke a lot of tries before they were successful."

"Captain…"

"You know, part of me is pissed because I know that I _can function_ while on the drug. Lots of people do. Why should I give it up if it makes me feel good, work better, and doesn't hurt anyone, you know?"

"Captain…"

"So maybe it has some health risks to it, but seriously, I'm Jim Kirk! I don't think I was meant to see my fiftieth birthday."

"Captain!" Scotty practically shouted.

"What?" Jim snapped.

"Just shut up and listen to me for a minute will ye!" Scotty ordered. "First of all let me say that your bullshit justification and rationalization is like masturbation, you're just screwing yourself with that line of thinking." Jim opened his mouth to counter Scotty, but he was cut off. "With all due respect, I said shut up Captain.

"Secondly Jim," Scotty continued a bit more softly. "If ye don't reach your fiftieth birthday you had better have gone out in an epic battle between us and the Klingons or your mirror finds his way back to our universe and there is more time traveling craziness going on. If you die because your tongue swelled up and choked ye, or yer heart gave out or brain damage, I'll get tha Doctor to bring ye back to life just so I can bloody shoot ye out an airlock."

"Okay, Scotty, okay," Jim held up his hands in defeat.

"Using again…"Scotty shook his head. "Ye better stop! and I better not hear any such talk again."

"Okay Scotty," Jim murmured. "I just had to get this off my chest. You Won't tell Bones will you?"

"Ye know, using is like a child's ride at a carnival and will only stop when ye stop putting the token in…I won't say nary a word to tha doctor."

"Thanks Scotty," Jim nodded.

"Now hand me tha new plasma pack," Scotty asked as he turned back to his task.

Later that afternoon Jim let Bones in for his afternoon therapy session. "Hey Bones, I'd really like to do that goals exercise, and the control exercise again if we could."

"Sure Jim, sounds like you may be having a tough day?"

"Yeah," Jim replied tightly while McCoy fixed himself a drink and sat down across from Jim.

"Okay Jim, let's hear it." McCoy nodded.

"I have a problem with phesphic acid. I took about twelve ounces every day. I took it because if felt good and was convenient. I know that phesphic acid is not healthy and there are better options out there for stress relief that feel good and are safer." Jim pressed his finger tips together deep in concentration.

"I will try not to go to places that tempt me to take acid, I will not carry spare credits on me if possible, I will meditate when I want acid, I will try to find other forms of stress relief."

"Very good Jim," McCoy nodded and smiled. "Tell me, does your mom control your life?"

"No, my mom doesn't control my life. I control my life."

"Does Frank control your life?"

"No, Frank does not control my life. I control my life."

"Does Sam or Riverside control your life?"

"No, Sam and Riverside do not control my life. I control my life."

"Does Taurus IV or the Governor control your life?"

"No, Taurus IV and the Governor do not control my life. I control my life."

"Does Starfleet control your life?"

"No Starfleet does not control my life. I control my life."

"Does phesphic acid control your life?"

"No phespic acid doesn't control my life. I control my life."

"Does anyone or anything control your life?"

"No one and nothing controls my life. I control my life."

"Who controls your life?"

"I control my life."

"Who controls your life?"

"I control my life. I control my life." Jim declared forcefully.

"That's right Jim. You're in control. Nothing else can be in control as long as you're in control so hold on to the reins of your life."

"Thanks Bones." Jim answered tearily.

"You know Jim," Bones mused as Jim sipped at his own drink. "You said you were having a tough day. I want you to know that just because you're having a bad day or two, doesn't mean you're having a bad life. I know it's been two months now and the major symptoms are gone, but that doesn't mean you're all better now. I told you it would be a long journey. Just stay on the right path and you'll get to where you have more and more good days.

"What if I mess up?" Jim asked meekly.

"Let me know and we'll get rid of the source, you'll get yourself straightened out and back on the right path again."

Jim nodded silently.

"Jim, did something…is there something you want to tell me?"

"No," Jim answered after an uncomfortable silence.

"I don't think we have much more to talk about today Jim," McCoy set his glass back down with a slight thunk. Jim could sense the disappointment in his friend. He knew McCoy could tell there was something off.

"We still on for dinner?" Jim asked.

"I've got some work to catch up on, I think I'm going to have to get a rain check." McCoy stopped at the door. "Jim, one last though…"

"Hmm?"

"If you're not working on the solution, you are working on the problem."

With that McCoy slipped out, leaving Jim to his own dark thoughts.

After a quick dinner in his quarters, Jim decided to meet Sulu for some boxing in the workout facilities.

"Hey Captain," Sulu called out cheerfully when he joined Jim in the boxing ring. "I'm glad you called me, I've been feeling a little stir crazy lately."

"Well, I'm glad I could help you out," Jim chuckled a little. "I just needed to get some energy out myself."

"Well then, let's go," Sulu got into position.

Jim touched Sulu's gloves, and the first round started.

It was Sulu's third touch Jim wasn't ready for that knocked him flat on his back.

"Gotch Captain," Sulu exclaimed.

Jim didn't move for a few seconds as he caught his breath.

"Captain?" Sulu asked, in concern as he knelt down beside Jim.

"I'm fine Sulu," Jim hefted himself up. "And we're off duty, call me Jim."

The next round went even worse for Jim. As Sulu was pulling him up again, he commented, "Jim, I would have asked Rand down if I wanted a quick one two fight. You okay?"

"I'm fine, let's go," Jim snapped. And this time he was fine. He dodged and ducked every punch Sulu threw at him. He even landed a few on Sulu. As Jim's thoughts continued to tumble around in his brain, his punches became harder and more precise.

"Jim!" Before Jim realized what had happened he heard Sulu yelling. "Jim Stop! Captain please!"

Jim stopped reining blows down on Sulu when he realized he was straddling Sulu on the mat and Sulu covering his head and neck with his gloved hands.

Jim jumped off like lighting. "My God Sulu, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

"I think so, I just didn't realize we were doing Japanese shootfighting."

"Huh?" Jim shook his head.

Sulu sat up slowly and pointed to Jim's hands. That's when Jim realized he was only wearing one glove.

"When did I lose my glove?" Jim mused as he brought Sulu a container with water.

"You must've been really out of it, you didn't so much lose your glove. It was more you ripping it off with your teeth, saying it was in the way."

"Good God Sulu I am so sorry," Jim sat down next to Sulu. "You sure you're okay? Do you want to go to sickbay?"

"I'll be fine," Sulu nodded. "Just a black eye. Fencing isn't the only style of combat I'm trained in."

"Really?" Jim asked with a raised eyebrow. "Care to share?"

"I've got to have some secrets to defend myself with when my captain goes berserk on me again!"

"Fair enough," Jim chuckled.

"So what was that?" Sulu asked.

"Not…" Jim started.

"Don't you dare say it was nothing, cause that'll be the biggest pile of bullshit." Sulu interrupted. "I got this black eye for a reason, I want to know why."

"I have a lot on my mind tonight." Jim admitted. "Doctor McCoy game me a lot to think about today and I guess I just got lost in my thoughts. Really lost. Let's see your eye."

Sulu let Jim gently grasp his chin and look at the shiner on his eye.

"That must have been one hell of a discussion you two had," Sulu scoffed. "You kept just saying over and over 'I'm in control' with each swing."

"I'm so sorry Sulu."

"Don't worry about it Jim," Sulu grinned. "Better me than the punching bag. I'd hate to come in and see sand and shredded canvas all over the gym floor."

Jim smiled slightly. "Well, I don't like seeing my pilot sprawled on the floor especially because I'm not paying attention."

"Well, I'll be fine, but I suppose we should call it a night," Sulu teased.

"Yeah, I think that'd be a good idea." Jim laughed.

Jim watched as Sulu slowly made his way out of the ring and out the door.

Once he was alone, Jim slammed his gloved fist into the mat. A few second later he ripped it off and flung the glove as hard as he could. Jim briefly enjoyed the smacking sound it made is it hit the wall and slid down to the floor. Scrubbing both hands over his sweaty face Jim knew he had to make a real change and this time he couldn't allow himself to mess up again. He was going to be in control of his life.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

The next morning, as alpha shift began Chekov exclaimed at the sight of Sulu and his eye. Jim winced inwardly and knew he needed to step in. He was shocked when Sulu spoke before he had a chance to comment.

"I was in the holodeck last night taking on Zou Shiming, only the most famous Chinese boxer ever," Sulu declared.

"But ze safety protocols should prevent real injury," Chekov mused.

"Eh, I wanted to see if I could really take him, and I landed a few good shots myself."Sulu explained.

"Oh," Chekov turned back towards his station. "You know, the Russians invented boxing."

"I'm sure," Sulu laughed, and gave a slight nod to Kirk, who nodded back gratefully as he watched the interaction.

After finishing signing off on the reports Rand had unloaded on him the moment he sat down, Jim fired a message off to Sulu's station.

_"You didn't have to do that, thanks though. How's the eye doing?"_

A minute later a light on Jim's padd flashed. _"Don't worry about it Captain, everyone has off nights. I'm doing fine, I put some ice on it last night."_

Jim was surprised when a minute later another personal message arrived in his padd inbox.

_"Captain, if you don't have plans for dinner yet, would you care to join Keenser and I around 1900 hours?"_

Jim smiled to himself as he briefly wondered in Scotty and Keenser were truly joined at the hip. He responded to the invitation and enjoyed a quite day on the bridge.

At 1900 hours sharp, Jim was at Scotty's door with a bottle of Saurian brandy and a box of tea, Keenser's latest discovery and favorite treat.

The three settled in and after a couple drinks, moved on to dinner and Scotty wasted no time getting to the point. "How has today been Jim?"

"No beating around the bush I suppose," Jim replied after helping himself to a serving of carrots. "I haven't been bad today."

"That's good," Scotty nodded seriously. "I was just thinkin last night about when Keenser and I found each other, and it made me think about you."

"Really?" Jim mused.

Keenser made a few noises, and Scotty huffed. "Oh you little…"

Jim couldn't help but laugh as he watched the two friend interact. "So, do I want to know how your meeting reminds you of me?"

"You tell him," Scotty prompted.

"Monty came into my shelter," Keenser explained after fiddling with his universal translator. He hated wearing the thing, but would do so when he had to.

"Delta Vega was bloody freezing and I had no idea it was a personal residence," Scotty interjected.

"I was in bed, clearly it was a shelter," Keenser argued.

"I'd just come out of the wind, I wasn't about to go back into it," Scotty exclaimed.

"Okay guys," Kirk grinned. "So Keenser was in bed and Scotty, you'd just walked in on him. Sleeping alone Mr. Keenser?" Jim teased.

"Not sleeping exactly," Keenser continued after sticking his tongue out at Scotty. "I had saccharlosine."

"Had it," Scotty scoffed. "He was in the middle of smoking it like the old deadly earth drug heroin."

"Keenser," Jim exclaimed, "I never would have guessed."

"I had lost wife and daughter," Keenser explained a bit softer. "I was…sad."

"Keenser, I'm so sorry," Jim reached across the table and patted Keenser's hand. "I never knew you were married and had a family."

"Don't ye get off track," Scotty reminded his friend gently.

"Yes," Keenser nodded abruptly. "I guided Monty to outpost for his work, and he help me not smell smoke."

Jim frowned slightly. "I see…"

"Jim, I didn't ask ye here tonight to try to impose meself or Keenser on you. I just thought talkin to someone who also had an addiction problem might help you." Scotty rushed to explain.

"How did Scotty help you," Jim asked.

"He kept me very busy," Keenser explained. "I had no time to think about anything."

"Five years drug free next month," Scotty smiled at Keenser proudly.

"Congratulations Keenser," Jim grinned. "That's a great accomplishment. But seriously, just keeping busy was all it took?"

Keenser simply shrugged and shook the translator out of his ear.

"Bah," Scotty waved a hand as his friend went back to eating the one carrot and one pasta noodle on his plate. "Aside from Keenser, I saw only one or two other souls on Delta Vega, not counting the large people-eating variety. I had a lot to do and Keenser here obviously needed help."

Keenser perked up a bit when he heard his name.

"Yes you, you little bugger," Scotty scoffed.

"Scotty, I appreciate the thought, but I'd imagine it is tough for Keenser to talk about this stuff." Jim said as he sipped at his water.

"He was the one who brought it up," Scotty argued.

"Well, I think I have a new plan," Jim straighten up a bit, feeling proud of himself. "Do you remember Selek?"

"That old Vulcan that looks like the Commander's father?"

"Yeah," Jim continued. "I talked to him today about a person he knows who might be able to help me some. "

"A doctor?"

"Well, not like a regular doctor like McCoy or M'Benga, she's a mind healer."

"You're going to have some Vulcan voodoo done to you?" Scotty asked in confusion.

"You're as bad as Bones," Jim groaned. "Vulcan mind healing is an authentic form of medical practice."

"Maybe on Vulcan or New Vulcan, for Vulcans, but you're not Vulcan Jim," Scotty exclaimed.

"I know I'm not Vulcan Scotty, but thanks for the reminder," Jim sighed. "I asked Selek about that detail."

"Does Doctor McCoy know you're thinking about having some mind healer mess around with your head?"

"Not yet," Jim admitted. "And I don't know what the process will really be like, but Selek said that T'Pau is the best and my "_human mind"_ should be easy to work with."

"I don't like this one bit Jim," Scotty shook his head.

"I am doing the procedure in two months." Jim declared.

"How," Scotty asked. "We're nowhere near New Vulcan."

"Selek said that T'Pau can perform the procedure over an open comm system," Jim explained.

"What if something goes wrong," Scotty pointed out.

"Nothing will go wrong," Jim noticed the look on Scotty's face. "Would you feel better if I made dinner plans with you that night and you'll be able to see that I am okay?"

"I would feel better if you didn't do this at all."

"Damnit Scotty, I can't quit this on my own, I can't do it with Bones' help. I am running out of options. I've got to beat this, I've got to try," Jim cried.

"Okay Jim," Scotty finally acquiesced his friend. "Just keep me updated."

"I will, I promise."

The three friends finished their dinner in small talk about ship business.

Later that night in his quarters, Jim couldn't stop thinking about the mind healing he'd talked to Selek about. He'd read every piece of literature he could get his hands on regarding the practice. The problem was, most Vulcans who'd had worked with T'Pau weren't too eager to write all about it.

After pouring himself a drink, he sat back down to his computer, hoping in vain to find something else he could try to do in the interim. After reading through a few articles and reports, an idea started blossoming in his mind.

"The problem isn't the acid, lots of people do it recreationally…" Jim mused, his fingers flying over his keyboard as he directed his search to a particular spot.

"It's only a problem because I am using too much…" Jim continued his mutterings. "If I had to track it and be accountable for the amount, then maybe…it all comes down to a big numbers game…Ah ha!" Jim stopped typing and started reading through the research he'd pulled up.

After a few minutes, Jim's grin melted away. Scotty's words about rationalization were coming back to him over and over. He altered his search to look for stories of others who'd beaten an addiction, any addiction. Maybe, just maybe there would be something there to help him pull through.

As Jim read through story after story, he found one common thread throughout. All of the people credited having friends support them through the ups and downs was most vital.

"Bones is supporting me, but he knows something's up." Jim mused. "It'll be hard, but I gotta level with him." With a hefty sigh Jim gave in. "Computer, where is Doctor McCoy?"

"Doctor McCoy is currently in the mess hall."

With a sharp nod to himself, Jim pulled himself up and pulled his boots back on.

"Bones," Jim called out seeing the doctor was about to get up.

"Jim," McCoy replied. "Where are you hurt?" he teased.

"Very funny Bones," Jim smiled slightly. "You got a few minutes?"

"I need to get back to relieve M'Benga for the beta shift, but you can walk with me," McCoy dumped his tray and motioned for Jim to walk with him.

"I just wanted to tell you…"Jim faltered. He hadn't really planned what he would say. He hadn't planned on having this discussion as he hurried down a corridor with McCoy. He really hadn't planned on the embarrassment and shame he was feeling at the moment. "I've been…" Jim sighed again. "Can you slow down a bit Bones?"

"Jim, I really gotta get down to sickbay, what's on your mind?"

"You know what, it's nothing," Jim shook his head.

McCoy gave Jim a thoughtful look. "Computer, freeze turbo-lift. McCoy to sickbay."

"Bones, I don't…"

"Sickbay here."

"Doris, tell M'Benga I'm going to be a bit late."

"Yes sir."

"Okay Jim, spit it out," McCoy ordered.

"This is really hard for me to say," Jim started.

"I've noticed." McCoy interrupted.

"Bones, I gotta get this out," Jim begged.

McCoy simply nodded, seeing the distressed look on Jim's face.

"I've never claimed to be perfect, I think you told me that there would be good days and there would be bad days. Well, the past month, there've been quite a few bad days. I feel awful. You and Spock worked so hard to help me, and I feel like I've thrown away everything that was accomplished. I have a new plan and I am starting over, and I've even already gone a few days, but I had to be honest. I had to tell you. You've done so much, and I know I've let you down. I'm just feeling so awful, not only for going back, but for trying to keep it from you. I am sorry Bones, I am so sorry."

When McCoy was sure that Jim had talked himself out, he put a hand on Jim's shoulder. Jim looked up at the contact. McCoy gave him a tight smile. "Jim, I already knew," McCoy said after a minute.

"What," Jim exclaimed. "How did you…"

"I don't know what is worse, you using again or you thinking I didn't know something was up."

"Well, I sorta figured you had to know." Jim trailed off.

"Gee thanks for the compliment to my skills as a doctor and your friend." McCoy replied.

"Bones, I don't know what went wrong, but everything is a mess and I want to fix this thing between you and me. I wish you could just be y friend and not have to be my doctor all the time."

"Jim, I _am_ your doctor. I can't ignore you doing harm to yourself."

"I know," Jim muttered. "Is there any way that I can ask you to be a friend first?"

"You lied to me Jim, what kind of friendship is that?"

"I…I" Jim stammered. He brought his hands up and scrubbed his face roughly. "I screwed up, big time Bones. I know that. I _admit_ that. All I can do right now is say that I am so sorry and will you please give me another chance?"

McCoy reactivated the turbo-lift and Jim fell silent. "You said you had some new plan?"

"I'm..uh…thinking of talking to T'Pau about a mind healing tactic that Selek says can work for some humans." Jim explained, and continued on in a rush. "Now I know what you think about Vulcan medicine and all, but I really want to try it. Aside from the occasional desperation for acid, I also have this absurd desperation to be clean, and I will do whatever it takes."

"Jim, I know there's no way I'll be able to talk you out of this," McCoy shrugged. "You gotta let me be in there with you though, monitoring your vitals and all. There is a reason why I don't trust that Vulcan medicine."

"Sure Bones, whatever you want," Jim nodded, grateful that his friend wasn't going to try to talk him out of it.

"When are you doing this thing, and how are you getting T'Pau here?"

"I'll do it in a couple months, in my quarters over the comm," Jim explained. "I'll get you all the information I have."

"Why such a long wait?" Bones mused as they hurried into sickbay. "M'Benga, sorry to keep you."

"Not a problem Doctor McCoy, I'm off to get some dinner, then get some shut eye. It's been pretty quiet today. Ensign Pine stopped by for her check up and everything looks to be on schedule. Lieutenant Sridhar managed to contract a mild case of the flu. Both write ups are on your desk."

"Thanks M'Benga, have a good night," McCoy nodded and hurried to finish his conversation with Jim who was already waiting in his office.

"So Jim, why do you have to wait so long to do this thing with T'Pau?" McCoy asked as he organized the stack of padds.

"She's busy, I'm busy and most importantly I wanted to take my time with researching this. I didn't want to rush into this."

"That's understandable," McCoy nodded as he turned to do some work at his computer.

"Well Bones, I can see you're busy, we can talk more later."

"No Jim, wait," Bones held up a hand. "I'm checking M'Benga's schedule for the next month." Seeing the confused look on Jim's face he continued. "What you said made sense."

"What did I say?"

"About me being your friend before being your doctor."

"Now Bones, no one knows my medical history better than you," Jim complained. "I like M'Benga and all, he's a great doctor but I don't know about this."

"Oh stop being such a baby," McCoy scoffed. "I'll still be your primary care physician. M'Benga, is going to take over your counseling sessions, will be there when you do your Vulcan mind tricks, and will take over helping you with your addiction."

"I don't understand," Jim stammered. "I didn't mean to say that I don't want you for a doctor."

"Jim, I get it." McCoy stopped updating the system and turned to look Jim in the eye. "I'm your friend and really too close to you to be able to really help you with this. You need a friend's support and a doctor's support and I can't seem to find that line with you. It'll be okay though. I am still here for you. Besides, M'Benga did his training on Vulcan, he knows all their practices and will be a better option to have in the room when you meet with T'Pau."

"Are you okay with this?" Jim asked nervously. "I mean, you do know that I really appreciate everything you've done to help me so far."

"I know Jim," McCoy nodded. "This is for the best. Thankfully we have the luxury of having a second doctor on board so I can focus on being a friend again."

"Thanks Bones."

"Don't mention it," Bones nodded. "Now, as your CMO, I know you're on Alpha shift tomorrow, go get some sleep."

"Yes doctor," Jim smiled and stood to leave.

"One last thing Jim," Jim turned back as McCoy leaned back in his chair. "You're a big Earth history buff aren't you?"

"I suppose," Jim shrugged.

"Abraham Lincoln, one of the American presidents in the nineteenth century was apparently a great man. Maybe you're familiar with some of Lincoln's work?"

"I've read a few of his speeches," Jim shrugged.

"Well he had some pretty good ideas, 'determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.'"

Jim returned McCoy's smile and quietly left Bones' office feeling better than he had in days.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Author's note: wow guys! Sorry to be away for so long. I am back, and am planning at least two more chapters. I can actually see the end in sight. For those who are still around, thank you for your support. It's been a long tough journey, but I am getting there.

Jim and M'Benga sat down in the observation deck on a quiet evening between shifts. For a little while, neither man said a thing, just sipped at steaming cups of coffee and watched the green and purple planet the ship was orbiting.

"Jim," M'Benga prompted.

"Yeah, sorry," Jim sighed and set his mug on the arm of the chair. "Well, I've thought about acid a few times over the past few days. Did I tell you that they even offered me some at that diplomatic dinner we had down on the surface a couple days ago. I said no. I felt pretty proud of myself for that."

"That's great," M'Benga nodded. "You should be proud of yourself. I know I am."

"So when will I get to the point where each winning a battle doesn't seem like a big war?"

"That'll take time Jim, you'll get there. You just need to be patient."

"You know…" Jim trailed off and sipped at his coffee. "I think I am glad you talked me out of doing that Vulcan mind trick with T'Pau. No offense to her or Vulcan culture, but I was desperate for an easy way out. I guess I thought I wouldn't have to work at this. I do have to put in the work though. There is no magic pill or operation to fix the mess I've made."

"There is that old Earthly 12 step program that I don't hold much stock in, but the idea of there being steps back to wholeness is something I think they got right. I think the first step is admitting you have a problem, which you've done. And the second step, well that's to realize that you have to work at the solution."

"How many steps do you think there'll be," Jim asked anxiously.

"However many you need," M'Benga smiled warmly and drained the last of his coffee.

"So why do you not like the 12 step program? It helped millions of people."

"It's more a personal thing," M'Benga sighed. "It's got some merits, but too much focus on religion. I felt that it pushed certain things on people who already had enough on their plates. If people want to believe in some higher power, that is their choice. It is a big life changing choice that shouldn't be competing for attention when a person is trying to fight a battle against a disease."

"Very interesting Doctor," Jim grinned cheekily.

"Nice try Jim, you won't get the focus off of you that easily. We're approaching the end of the terran calendar year. Let's evaluate."

"Well," Jim started thoughtfully. "I came into the year on a bad note. I'd started using again, Bones was pissed at me, and things didn't look good. We talked though and I started seeing you. It's made quite a difference."

"How so?"

"I can talk to you more easily about this stuff for some reason. I can't explain it. It's good to have Bones back as a friend. It took a while to figure out how he could support me as a friend without getting all doctory on me."

"Doctory?" M'Benga raised an eyebrow at that.

"Yeah, I just made that word up," Jim grinned.

"I see, Please continue," M'Benga nodded with a small smile.

"Well, after we talked about my plans to meet with T'Pau, you helped me realize that that might not be the best approach. Like I said before, I now agree that that was pretty crazy and drastic of me. I know that you and Bones would have supported me if I had gone ahead with it, but not with your 100% blessings."

"Mhhhmmm," M'Benga nodded.

"So," Jim sighed heavily. "I tried quitting again. I think we made it about six weeks. I don't know what happened. It was there and all of the sudden I was using again. That was really depressing."

M'Benga sat quietly, waiting for Jim to continue. After a minute, Jim angrily kicked the coffee table in front of him.

"God, I felt so fucking lousy then," Jim spat angrily.

"And clearly you are still upset about that relapse," M'Benga leaned forward.

"Just thinking about it gets to me."

"Okay, well then, let's keep moving forward."

"Two and a half months ago, I decided to see if I could just go a day without the acid, and I did it. Well then I thought, can I go two days, then I thought could I go a whole week?"

"And?"

"I did it," Jim grinned. "I went a week, then a month, and now I've gone two months and two and a half weeks without acid and I feel fine."

"And I am so glad to hear it," M'Benga nodded.

"I don't get why I haven't had the cravings though," Jim mused.

"It wasn't that long since the last time you tried to quit. It is quite likely you'd broken the physical addiction, but not the psychological addiction."

"Do you think I've broken the psychological addiction now?" Jim asked hopefully.

"It's too soon to say," M'Benga smiled. "We'll talk again when you get to six months."

"God, I can't even imagine six months acid free."

"Don't," M'Benga shook his head quickly. "Don't even try to. Let's just see if you can make it three months."

"Okay," Jim nodded. "That sounds good. But how can I stop being angry about messing up all the time? I think about it. I get angry, then I feel hopeless and then I get depressed."

"Jim, looking back on your past failures can help you do better in the future. You can learn from your mistakes and do better in the present. Remember, it's okay to look back, but don't stare. You've got so many successes under your belt now. Let's focus on those as much as you think about the missteps."

"Wow M'Benga, that's deep," Jim gave a small grin.

"Don't get smart alecky with me Kirk," M'Benga warned gently.

"Who me," Jim tried to look as innocent and angelic as he could.

"How McCoy puts up with you day in and day out is beyond me," M'Benga shook his head.

"It is difficult to be around this much awesomeness," Jim's grin grew.

"Yeah yeah," M'Benga scoffed. "Hey, I know you have dinner plans with Mr. Spock tonight so we can cut our meeting short, but I want you to keep up the great work you've done so far this week."

"Thanks Doc," Jim stood up and stretched.

"Jim, remember what I said about looking back," M'Benga stood as well and picked up his mug.

"Yeah, I might have to write that one down."

"I'll send it to your communicator within the hour. Have a pleasant evening."

"Thanks, you too. Hopefully it is nice and quiet for you."

"I can only hope," M'Benga nodded as Jim turned towards the Officer's Mess Hall and M'Benga turned to the turbo lift.

As Jim made his way into the officer's lounge with a bounce in his step, he cheerfully greeted the crewmembers he passed. He felt good. He felt healthy. He felt in control.

It wasn't often that Jim relied on the officer's lounge, but tonight, he was looking forward to the quiet dinner with Spock. They had a lot to discuss. Seeing that he beat Spock, Jim took a table by the window and ordered a Bud Classic while he waited. After five more minutes of waiting, Jim ordered a cheese plate. After ten minutes of waiting, Spock hurried in.

"My apologies for keeping you waiting Captain,"

"Spock…" Jim warned gently.

"Jim," Spock nodded and took the seat opposite Jim.

"That's better," Jim smiled. "No worries about running late. Problems in the science lab?"

Spock let out a heavy sigh.

"That bad huh?" Jim sat back.

"It appears as though Ensign th'Zarath does not fully understand the metric system."

"That is a problem," Kirk nodded seriously.

"It is Jim," Spock looked up as their serve came back over.

"I will have an iced tea please," Spock set his menu down. "Are you ready to order Jim?"

"Sure, I'll have the bourbon street steak with a side of steamed okra and carrots."

"Excellent choice Captain, for you Sir," the server turned to Spock.

"How fresh is the soltar?"

"We got a fresh shipment a week ago, they are perfectly ripe."

"Alright, I will start with a soltar salad followed by the M'lu."

"Very good Sir, I will have your salad out to you shortly." The server hurried off to fill the orders.

"How was your session with Dr. M'Benga?"

"It was fine," Jim sighed. "It is nice to be able to talk to him. I was almost late to our meeting today. The delegates on Trill are anxious about their application to the Federation and are trying to be as hospitable as possible. It's almost embarrassing."

"What have they done?" Spock asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Offering our landing party multiple tours, even to sacred areas such as the caves with the milk pools, really incredible food at every turn, presentations from their universities and performances by their musicians and dancers."

"Well, I have heard from Dr. McCoy how much you have been enjoying their rich desserts," Spock pointed out. "Perhaps you are drawing the federation's answer out in the attempt to spend more time here?"

"Spock," Jim gasped in mock horror. "I am shocked that you would even suggest such a thing."

"So you are going to deny the statement?"

"Weeeell," Jim grinned as he trailed off.

"That is what I thought," Spock nodded.

"Honestly, Starfleet hasn't responded yet. I suppose I could contact them to see if a decision has been made based off our findings."

"You could also tell the Trill delegates that the decision is now in the hands of Starfleet and there is nothing more that you can do to influence the matter."

"And give up my daily jumja stick," Jim laughed.

"Of course not Jim, what was I thinking," Spock shook his head.

"Well, at any rate, I think we'll get the verdict in the next day or two. I've already got our next set of orders." Jim sighed.

"Your tone suggests that you are not happy with the orders."

"Well Spock, I just feel like the Enterprise is being pulled fifty different ways. We have to make a security check with boarder control on the Klingon boarder, then get to DS4 to help them with some maintenance updates, and then pick up a couple ambassadors on Earth, by 2260.3 and transport them to Betazoid. Not one single chance to explore anything new."

"We certainly will be busy," Spock almost frowned. "That only gives us two weeks and four days."

"Yeah, and besides that, you know how I feel about Klingon space."

"I am sure we are only supposed to check in with the security post. We will still be well within Federation space."

"A little to close for comfort though if you ask me," Jim sat back as their food was placed before them.

"I understand," Spock nodded.

"As soon as we get word from Starfleet we'll head out and I will alert the crew then of our next missions."

"Understood," Spock nodded again.

The two men continued a quiet dinner, discussing ship's business. When Jim got back to his quarters that evening, quickly got ready for bed. Sitting up under the covers, he pulled out his padd and opened his private calendar. It was a silly little thing he did each night, but he looked forward to it every day. He put a little smiley face on the date for one more day drug free.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**This is going to be the last chapter of this story. Of course this is isn't the end of Jim's story, but I feel that he's reached a point where things can be wrapped up. Thank you to my readers who let me torture poor Jim! **

At precisely 0500 hours, Jim's alarm clock went off. He got up, went to the workout facilities and ran for an hour. Returning to his quarters, he showered, wolfed down a breakfast sandwich and coffee stronger than was probably healthy and was on the bridge by the start of his shift at 0700.

He spent the day signing off on reports, helping Scotty with a problem with the warp drive, thinking about Bones' birthday present, and, as time permitted, challenging Uhura to see who remembered more Ferengi rules of acquisition in native Ferengi. After he got off shift, he met up with Sulu for a leisurely dinner and made his way back to his quarters via Spock's quarters for a quick game of chess before turning in for the night with a night cap and a good book. The next day followed a similar pattern, with the addition of a short meeting with M'Benga. And then the following day, and the day after that.

Jim didn't really notice when Pike stopped checking in weekly, "just to see how things were going". He also didn't notice that it had been well over a month and a half since he'd last pulled out his calendar of progress. When he did finally pause one afternoon while reading the hundredth report of the day, he realized he couldn't remember if this week was his six month anniversary or six and a half months. He tried to consult his padd, but had to chuckle at the line of missing check marks he'd forgotten to mark. Feeling a certain amount of pride in himself, he relaxed in his chair.

"Uhura,"

"Sir?" Uhura asked turning from her post. She saw the playful grin on his face and relaxed.

"Number 214, Never begin a negotiation on an empty stomach," Kirk quoted in perfect Ferengi.

"Then how about a nice hot plate of toasted tubeworm for lunch," Uhura teased back in Ferengi.

"Good lord Uhura, way to ruin my appetite," Jim laughed out loud, switching back to English.

"What did she say," Bones asked, entering the bridge.

"She suggested toasted tubeworm," Kirk replied with a gag.

"I don't see the need for revulsion Captain," Spock spoke from the science station. "The dish is highly nutritious and can be quiet filling."

"So is barbeque chicken, but I don't see you eating that," Jim teased.

"Ohh some barbeque smothered a good vinegar sauce, sounds pretty good," McCoy grinned.

"Bones, that wimpy sauce you brought from back home isn't real barbeque sauce, you know it's gotta have molasses, and brown sugar and a bit of garlic." Jim countered.

"Stuff's too sweet, your barbeque shouldn't be sweet."

"You're both wrong, with all due respect Captain," Sulu interrupted. "Any good barbeque sauce has lots of soy sauce in it."

"California-boy, watch it," McCoy teased.

"Aw, he wouldn't know good barbeque if he tried it," Jim laughed. "Let's get lunch Bones, I'm starved.

"Captain," Chekov spoke up as Jim was preparing to turn comm over to Spock.

"Yeah Pav?"

"It is a widely held misconception that the Midwest United States invented barbeque."

"Is it now," Jim smirked.

"Yes, it was actually invented in Russia you know."

"Now you're just making stuff up Chekov," Jim laughed gently. "Spock, you've got the comm, I'll be back in 30 minutes.

The barbeque debate was not settled over lunch, and as McCoy and Jim were continuing the argument on the way back to the bridge, McCoy nearly ran into a young security officer.

"Excuse me Doctor McCoy, Captain," the young man blushed.

"No problem Shah," the Captain smiled.

"Do worry lieutenant," McCoy chuckled. "There's plenty of food left in the mess hall. No need to hurry."

"Actually, Sir," Shah bowed his head slightly. "I am glad I ran in to the two of you."

"What can we help you with," Jim asked, stepping to the side of the corridor so that other people could pass by.

"Well, I know that the Doctor was helpful to you in kicking your habit of…" Lieutenant Shah trailed off.

"My acid addiction," Kirk nodded. "It's okay Lieutenant, you can say it. I'm not hiding from it."

"Yes…well, see…" Shah trailed off again.

"Shah, Mr. Spock is expecting me up on the bridge sometime this afternoon," Kirk teased gently.

"I'm sorry Sir," Shah shook his head.

"No need to apologize," Jim set a comforting hand on Shah's shoulder.

"Lieutenant, are you trying to ask for help with something," McCoy prompted, wanting the young man to actually make the request himself.

"Yes, I think I have a problem, I mean, I know I have a problem with alcohol. I was wondering if you might be able to help me too?"

"Of course, stop by my office any time today and we'll figure out a plan of action," McCoy nodded.

"And if you want to talk, or vent, or anything, feel free to stop by my quarters," Kirk added.

"Okay, thank you both," Shah replied shakily. "I was so nervous to speak to you both about this."

"I know it's scary Shah, but you'll get through this," Jim released Shah's shoulder. "You know, I took acid for courage, but it made me a coward. Getting help takes real courage. Doctor McCoy might seem like a tough son of a…"

"Hey," McCoy exclaimed indignantly.

"…gun," Jim smirked. "But he knows his stuff, and he'll get you through this."

"Okay, thank you Sir, Doctor McCoy," Shah nodded to both men. "I'll stop by medical after my shift ends at 1700 hours."

"That'll be fine Lieutenant," McCoy nodded.

The young man hurried on to lunch and Jim grinned at McCoy. "It's nice to be on the other side of that conversation."

"Yeah Jim, you worked hard and earned it."

"I wonder if there are others on the ship with addictions that we've missed. Considering statistics, I would think that there would be. That is a troubling thought."

"Yeah, I am thinking I should just start a Al-Anon and narcotics anonymous groups."

"That is a brilliant idea Bones, make it so," Jim exclaimed.

"I was being sarcastic Jim…"

"I'm not," Jim looked at McCoy seriously. "Even if Shah and I are the only ones there, it'll matter. It may even encourage others to get the help they need."

"Alright Jim, I'll look into setting something up."

"Excellent," Jim slapped McCoy on the back, causing Leonard to grimace. "Now, I need to go do Captainy things and you need to go to medical. You have a busy afternoon."

"I wonder about you sometime Jim, I really do." McCoy chuckled and stepped off the lift on his floor.

Jim was deep in thought when he stepped onto the bridge. He didn't even say anything as he sat down in his chair that Spock quickly vacated.

"A penny for your thoughts Captain," Uhura asked, noticing that Jim seemed far away.

"Just thinking about something M'Benga said a few weeks ago."

"Oh," Uhura commented, turning her station over to her replacement.

"Yeah, he said something like, 'When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door, that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.' I thought it was a nice little saying, something that should be on a pillow or an inspirational poster. Today at lunch though, I saw the bigger picture."

"The bigger picture," Uhura asked.

"Yeah, I found my open door," Jim smiled and settled in for the afternoon.


End file.
